Let's All Kill Himiko!
by gopherwhote
Summary: The most demented take on the OAVs and manga ever to exist gets another arse-reaming in chapter form, to keep my minimal audience happy and to successfully secure myself a place in Hell. I realize now that I have no purpose in life. You do. To read this!
1. S

This only makes sense if you've seen the OAV's. But then again....even if you have, you're gonna need help. Or maybe it's me who needs help...  
"Says you, woman"  
-Re:Death  
Brief tips for the wary reader: Earlier, I wrote a few parodies involving Larva and Miyu. They were based off a particular unnamed fanfiction, so it would be rude to publish it, but there it is anyway. Here's the idiot's (referring to me, not you) guide to inside jokes you might not understand:  
Larva stalks people. Chronically  
Larva is referred to as 'The Help'  
Larva has an unholy tendency to want to stab people in the neck with a pencil (Including Miyu)  
For some reason, in this rendering, Larva (and everyone else) seems to be devoid of all stoic beauty, rational thought, or sanity. Go figure...  
Suzie's is the name of an adult store in Stockton. They're not in Stockton (although they could be...hmm....) but I didn't feel like dredging up an imaginary name for an adult store.  
  
For those of you who recognize this (yeah I know, cheap move, taking it down) yes, this IS The Anecdote will be Commenced, but the story was 1: Originally supposed to be short, 2: Originally supposed to be purely a Himiko-bashing experience, and 3: Banned in Canada, but as nothing is turning out as I originally planned, I reposted it up again (woo). Also, it was getting kind of shoved back out of the way. I just needed a new layer of lead paint and I'm ready to go again.   
New Rules: I suck. I know I know, I'm not a writer, but still, if someone writes "Please continue", or "I love this; keep going", very likely I won't. I also have no brain. This has kind of grown of it's own accord, and while I originally had a plan and direction for this whole story sort of thing, I don't anymore. So here's the deal. If you read it, leave a review. That means people are actually enjoying it, and it will delude me into thinking people don't want me to take it down. Also, if you want a new chapter, drop a completely random phrase or concept in with your message, and I'll include it in my story. For example, someone mentioned raspberry pudding, someone mentioned Outback, and I got some other ideas that I haven't gotten around to yet (One. The flaming you-know-whats). So yeah. Again: Absolutely any idea I get, no matter how boring, grotesque, off the wall or unrelated will get added in some way (the brick of meatloaf was another suggestion). SO DOOOO stuff. And if you want a place in the story, if you drop your description you'll be put in, guaranteed. Ok, no more talkie. Now it's time for my newly mistake-free Frankenstein story,  
  
Potted Meat Food Product  
(don't ASK me why)  
(this is how I go when I go like this)  
  
Droplets of rain slid down the wall of the alley where a lone man huddled, clutching the prize he had lifted from a local store. He came here often at night, to sleep, whenever he couldn't sleep in the park. Such as now, when it was raining. He scowled up at the rain, then yowled when a few drops got in his eyes. He rubbed them with the back of his hand, the result being the water and dirt mixing to form mud in them, which he liked even less.  
"Damn f-f-f-ferrets," he panted. A curious pattering sound was coming into the mouth of the alley, and he spared a moment to wonder what it was, then opened his stolen packet of Kool-Aid and held it up to the rain, the side he had opened facing down. He growled at it, then screamed as something slammed into his back.  
"AAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AIIYE AIYE AIYE AIYE!!!!!!!!!!!" A strangely mannish high-pitch banshee wail made him look up from where his nose was pressed to the pavement. He appeared to be confronting a yellow thong. He wondered why a thong would attack him. A skirt was pulled over the thong by a pair of hands, then a face appeared as a figure knelt down to put it's face level to his  
"Um...oops." The figure was female, with a very low-cut shirt which the man was enjoying peering down, and an obscenely high skirt with a pair of thigh-high white leather slut-boots. She had short, chin-length brown hair, with brown eyes and some sort of growth sprouting out from under one eye. She picked them both up and introduced herself.  
"Hi, I'm a spiritualist, Se Himiko."  
"Himiko"  
"Not 'say', Se"  
"Oh. Good."  
"Um, sorry about that, I thought you were in trouble."  
"So you decided to floor me." The man was sane enough to see that this person was very annoying.  
"Well...do you believe in vampires?"  
"No. I believe in pistachio embryos."  
"Oh, well, a cross isn't going to protect you from that. But I thought you were being attacked by a vampire."  
"The only ones who have been attacking me are you, the rain, and my box."  
"Oh. Well, if you see her, um, don't let her kill you, ok?"  
"Who?"  
"The vampire."  
"What vampire?"  
"The vampire who was attacking you."  
"A vampire was attacking me?!?"  
Himiko brightened. "A vampire was attacking you?"  
"Um...yes. She took my Kool-Aid."  
"I see. I must stop that little demon."  
"Why?"  
"Because she turned me into a vampire."  
"But, isn't that a bit hypocritical?"  
"No."  
"Oh, ok."  
He turned and shuffled down the alley a little way, then rummaged in a box and brought something back to Himiko. "Here. Here's a rat to gnaw that thing off your face."  
Himiko took the rat, threw it down the alleyway and stalked off.  
  
Larva stood in the shadows, watching Himiko molest some Kool-Aid toting bum. The man gave her something, then the next thing he knew something small and furry hit him in the mask, fell down the front of his cloak, and then there was a rat lost someplace in it. He screeched, jumping about, trying to dislodge the rodent. The man was staring at him oddly. Larva stared at him oddly, the effect being lost since he was wearing the mask that he usually wore to keep from being jumped and gang-raped by wandering bands of horny teeny-boppers, since he closely resembled, he had been told, a member of N'sync. That was blasphemy in his eyes, and he had mauled the person who had told him that, but it was better to be safe than sorry. The man offered to reach in and help him, but Larva casually threw him onto a nearby roof, in lieu of simply saying no thank you. He dislodged the mouse and threw it up to keep the bum company, and stalked off into Miyu's realm to wait until she got home from school. She still made him refer to it as 'her realm', even though she had a real room, and he was in it more often. When he wasn't out stalking Himiko, silently wishing he could jab a pencil in her neck. Miyu appeared before him, and he scowled at her from underneath his mask. She had pummeled him last night, for appearing in the restaurant where she had been having a shake with her friends and asking, quite pleasantly, he thought, if he could please jab Himiko in the neck with a pencil. For some reason her friends seemed to be more upset about it than she was, but she HAD pummeled him for trying to carry off the toy grabber, since he had wasted five quarters on it and he really wanted the neon orange stuffed armadillo. One of the waitresses tried to get him to buy a Mochaccino, but Miyu had hustled him out at that point muttering about 'inconspicuous'. He HAD been inconspicuous! He had placed a bag over his head and wrote 'This is not Larva's head' on it. No one would know, anyway.  
She gave him an odd look and said "Where you at my school today?"  
"Noooooo," he lied innocently.   
"Oh. Well, SOMEBODY was, and the supplies closet was raided for pencils, and someone doodled a picture of a dead slut with a pencil through her neck on the girl's room stall."  
"That was the girl's room? Eeeeewie"  
Miyu casually backhanded him, bruising her hand on his metal mask, and sat on his lap. She peeked up at him through her eyelashes, and said coyly, "You're not getting any tonight."  
He sighed, then took off his mask. "I WAS doodling in the stall, but I raided no supplies closet, and I wasn't anywhere else than the stall."  
She finally nodded, and he placed his mask over his face before sticking his tongue out at her, the result being he got his nostril wet. "Does that mean we're going out hunting for the Shinma tonight?" he asked.  
"What? I can't understand you, take that thing off."  
He removed his mask and repeated the question.  
"Yes-" She stopped, shifting about on his lap with a queer expression before turning and pounding her fist on the top of his head. "LARVA!"  
"Ah! It's a pencil!" He rummaged through his cloak and brought out the pencil that had been poking Miyu and showed it to her for proof. "See?"  
"Oh," she patted him where she had pounded her fist. "Sorry."  
"And," he replied haughtily, "the implication is insulting."  
"Sorry."  
"It's ok. Say, Miyu, my mistress, can I-"  
"Leave Himiko's neck alone. If I can, you can"  
"Fine. Let's go."  
Larva cast a transportation spell, and they were at the school, standing in an empty hallway.  
"Let's search for-" Miyu was interrupted by a familiar banshee wail, and sidestepped just in time to let Himiko sail past to her left to smash herself against a locker. She got up, panting.  
"I...found you!" Miyu smiled indulgently, making thoughts of homicide dance through Himiko's head. "AAAAIIIIEEE!!!! Vampire!!!!!!!!!!!" Himiko yelled, pointing two fingers at Miyu. Miyu faded away, outweirded by Himiko, who was left in the hallway alone to be stared at by the janitor.  



	2. u

She stalked away, swaying as much as possible for the janitor's benefit, and sat down on a rock quite far from the school to smoke a cigarette, which Larva had earlier tried unsuccessfully to lace with cyanide. She gagged nonetheless, enjoying filling her lungs with condensed tar, and exhaled happily, if a bit noisily.  
"Hmmmm," she mused out loud, shifting on her rock, "my ass tells me I have sat here before." She peered up the slope to the top of a hill, one with trees and dirt and everything. "Mmmmm, hill hill hill hill hill", she sang quietly to herself. Thought hit her like an anvil, and she fell off her rock, a stone sailing where her head used to be and a muffled curse coming from the bushes. She got up, a lightbulb all but hovering over her head. "This hill! It was this hill!"   
Thought abruptly left her, to find someplace else more worthwhile, and Himiko deflated like a balloon. "Uh........"  
Miyu decided to help her out a little. She stepped out of a bush nearby with admonitions for Larva not to throw any more rocks, and deftly kicked Himiko in the ass, sending her skidding up to the top of the hill. She came to rest at the top, a large clearing showing her a large clearing. "Hmm," she said, "a large clearing," nodded to herself, and turned to leave. She was stopped by a sound like a dozen butch Japanese schoolgirls wailing at her and beating each other with wooden paddles. She turned, and there was a house in middle of the clearing, the sky streaked dramatically with red and black.  
"Ooooooooooh," commented Himiko. She examined the house. It was of traditional Japanese post-war style, dilapidated, and almost completely an unhappy shade of gray. Definitely haunted. Himiko walked up and rang the doorbell. There was no answer. Hiniko rang again, then went and peered in the windows, inquiring if anybody was home. She went back to ring the doorbell again, and Miyu appeared behind her, exhaling impatiently and shoving Himiko through the door with her foot. She then disappeared, readying all her creepy-making effects. Himiko stopped just inside the door, where the floor was raised a few steps, and three pairs of shoes lay, one belonging to a young girl, the others made for larger feet. She decided it would be too much work to tug off her slut-boots, and simply swayed her way up the stairs. One of the shoes flew up to smack against her ass, and she whirled to confront...nothing. Larva silently and maniacally giggled. This wasn't one of Miyu's creepy-making effects, and she went and briefly pummeled him for spoiling the mood. Himiko's attention span couldn't hold for that long, so she continued up the stairs to stop and stare dimly at some paintings. Miyu waited patiently for her to finish. After ten minutes drool was making a steady train down Himiko's chin. Miyu crept close and whispered surreptitiously, "They're paintings."   
Himiko was startled out of her revere. "Oh........" she commented brightly. Miyu beat her head against the wall across the room, drawing Himiko's attention. She walked over to that side of the room, Miyu trailing behind, and stopped by a door. "Nice door," she remarked, and turned to leave. Miyu caught her arm and gave her a little push toward the door.   
"But the door has a TABLE in front of it!" Himiko wailed ignorantly. On the table rested a tiny stoppered vial containing a dark red liquid. Miyu sighed angrily. "Larva!" Larva leaped eagerly to help Himiko, grasping the back of her head gently, then bashing it against the table, smashing the tiny vial and smearing the liquid onto Himiko's forehead. She straightened. "Ow."   
Miyu smiled thankfully at Larva, who traipsed happily back to his corner. Himiko turned to look at Miyu expectantly. Miyu held her hand out to the door, palm up. Himiko continued to stare helplessly. Miyu gestured to the door. Himiko still stared. Miyu pointed to the door, miming opening it with her other hand. Himiko tilted her head slightly. Miyu reached out and placed Himiko's hand on the door latch, pushing gently to get it started. Himiko stared at her hand as if surprised to find it attached to the end of her arm. "OPEN THE DOOR!" Miyu yelled inconspicuously to the air above Himiko's head. Himiko peered above her, and Miyu flung the door open, pushing Himiko in. She halted when she smacked into a hard substance.   
"Ow! AAAAAAAAUUUUWWWW!!!!!!" A very long, fake, manly scream came from Himiko, and Miyu smiled, settling down to her other creepifying things she had planned.   
Himiko pointed to the room, boggling intelligently, and Miyu nodded helpfully. "The room!"   
Miyu nodded.   
"Ice? Glass? The room is filled with glass?"  
Miyu stared at her and smiled her creepy smile. "Those are-"  
Himiko refused to be diverted. "Glass? Glass? It's glass, isn't it? Is it glass? I'll bet it's glass. It looks like glass. It has to be glass! Or ice! Is it ice? Ice? Glass? AAAAAH!!" Himiko knelt down clutching her head. "Just tell me!"   
Miyu sighed. "It's saran wrap."  
Himiko brought her head up. "Oh."  
Miyu tried to get back into creepy-making mode. "Those are-"  
"So it's not glass?"  
"No!"  
"Sure looks like-"  
"I know! Those are my parents."  
"Oh."  
"They're-"  
"Why are they on the ceiling?"  
"Because."  
"Because why?"  
"Because I stapled them there!"  
"Ew."  
Miyu peered at Himiko and managed a smile. "Do you want eternal life?"  
Himiko twitched. "Wha?"  
Miyu giggled. "You do!"  
"Nope."  
"Yes you do."  
"No I don't"  
"Yes you do. I can see it in your....augh!"  
"What?"   
"Uuugh. I'm looking into you mind. You're weird. I'm not going to tell you my past, creep you stupid, throw you out and then make you forget everything I told you after all."  
Himiko looked disappointed.   
"By the way, I bit you when you were a child."  
Himiko tilted back her head. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"  



	3. b

When she lowered her head, she was back in the hallway, with the janitor staring at her again. She smiled at him, and he stuck his mop back in his bucket for a response, mildly exciting Himiko. She swayed out into the open, noticing intelligently that it was still raining slightly. She swayed back to her car, and climbed inside. "Hmmmm........" she tilted her head to one side, thinking. It didn't help much, and she tilted it the other way. It didn't help at all, and she started the car and drove to someplace more amusing. That happened to be her apartment, so she went in. Miyu watched her, unnoticed, from her place on the ceiling. She watched Himiko strip off her wet clothes and stuff them under the sofa, and sway nakedly to the kitchen to make herself a cup of something hot, still wearing her slut boots.  
After about twenty minutes of curses and burned potholders, Himiko emerged from the kitchen, cup in hand.  
"You know, you're not supposed to heat up Kool-Aid."  
Himiko jumped at Miyu's voice, spilling her drink on her still-naked body, producing a shriek. She dropped to the carpet and started to roll, like she had been taught in school. Miyu sighed and patiently waited for her to finish. Himiko finished, panting, and peered at the fireplace. She hummed a few bars of the thong song, and got up, retrieving her cup and turning to go back into the kitchen.  
"Himiko?" Miyu ventured, since Himiko apparently had forgotten her presence. Himiko gave another start, dropping the cup. It shattered on her foot, and she howled, hopping around the room, clutching her foot and grinding the rest of the shards into her other foot. She tried to hop while holding both feet, at which point Miyu gave up her attempt and simply left Himiko's apartment to return to her realm and rape Larva, who didn't seem to mind too much.  
  
The next day at school, Miyu was listening to a bunch of teeny-boppers who had procured the latest in schoolyard gossip.  
"Oh yes, there was a cougar in Denny's two nights ago. It broke the toy-grabber and mauled one of the waitresses."  
"No!"  
"Yes!"  
"No!"  
"Yes!"  
"No!"  
"Yes!"  
"No!"  
Miyu rolled her eyes impatiently. "Hey, did you see the graffiti in the girl's room?"  
"There's graffiti in the girl's room?!?"  
"Yes, in one of the stalls."  
"No!"  
"Yes, really."  
"No!"  
"Yes, it's-"  
"No!"  
Miyu tried to gently steer them onto another topic. "I hear there's been an increased rate of attacks on the homeless."  
"No!"  
Miyu gave up and walked to the other side of the classroom.  
  
Larva sat in Miyu's realm, lounging in one of the strange trees. They used to be lovely willows, but Miyu had failed to water them for some time, and their growth had been stunted. "Simply lovely," he murmured out loud, then glanced around to make sure Miyu wasn't there and listening. If she heard him say anything she considered remotely homosexual, she would take it upon herself to....er, 'turn him straight again'. Sometimes he would prance and speak with a lisp purposefully, just to bring it on himself. He smiled. Perhaps he would go to Suzie's tonight and steal a thong and a sailor's outfit. He giggled, practicing, and sighed happily. He began to get bored, so he left early for his usual schedule of stalking Himiko.  
He lurked in the shadows, watching Himiko walk up to a house he assumed she had been asked to come to for a job. She stopped at the door, staring at a bunch of garlic that had been tied there.  
"Hmm hmm," she giggled, "garlic. Hee hee. Garlic! Hee hee hee HAW HAWW HAW HAW HAW AAAAAAAAAAHH HAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!"   
Larva marveled at this perfect image of human stupidity. Himiko giggled insanely on, drawing the occupants of the house out. They were a middle-aged Japanese couple, rather ugly, with funny-looking shoes. The mother approached Himiko hesitantly.  
"Ahhh, you are the spiritualist Himiko?"  
She was laughed down by Himiko, and backed off slowly. Larva hefted the stone he had picked up in his hand, and threw it deftly at Himiko, catching her in the back of the head and cutting off her laughter abruptly.  
"Hummuh. Yes. I am Se Himiko. I am a spiritualist."  
"I assumed."  
"You have an unusual occurrence you would like me to investigate?"  
"Er, that IS why we called you."  
Himiko smiled at this piece of logic, and said, "Are you aware you have," she had to pause at this point, snorting with laughter, "a piece of garlic tied to your awning?"  
The couple exchanged deranged glances, and the mother motioned Himiko inside. Larva followed silently.  
Himiko sat across from the couple, probably so they could keep an eye on her.  
"You know," said Himiko, "I am a professional, and I'll need to charge a fee for this assignment."  
"But, we haven't told you what the problem is yet."  
"Oh. Tell me then," said Himiko, cutting off the father, who was opening his mouth to tell her the problem.  
The father related the problem. It seemed their daughter had been in a coma for sixty days now, and the doctors didn't know what was wrong. Himiko was mildly disgruntled that she was their last option, but was determined to solve the mystery. The couple led Himiko to a room with just a blanket and a pillow in the middle, a little girl occupying both of them. She was quite pretty, with red hair and an angelic face. She looked like she was sleeping rather than in a coma.   
'Like sleeping beauty,' Himiko thought, and thus thought returned, her face brightening. She leaned over and frenched the little girl.  
"AAAH!! What are you doing?!?" the father wailed, and pried Himiko off with a suction noise.  
"I thought...well, you know, sleeping beauty?"  
The father looked confused, and the mother said, "You think the doctors haven't tried that?"  
"Oh, sorry." Himiko told the parents. "Sorry," she told the little girl. "Sorry," she told Larva in the corner, who looked startled for being noticed, then realized Himiko was addressing the garlic hanging outside the window. Himiko giggled at it for another couple minutes, and the mother began to creep toward the door.  
"Well!" Himiko said suddenly, "There's something else I need to try!" She produced a dagger, to the apparent alarm of the parents, and jammed it into the ground next to the little girl's head. Or, that's what she meant to do. She laughed nervously, and pulled her knife out and moved it a bit more to the right, grinning shakily at the parents, who were giving her disapproving looks. She began the first few lines of an ancient chant taught to her to remove spirits and vapors from the body. She paused, trying desperately to remember the rest. Something that sounded like' ali-babba's zucchini keys'. She could feel the parent's eyes on her back, watching expectantly, so she just started babbling.   
"Uh.......mmmmmmmmah! Boo! Zoo paw tuh kuh...uh...mwarf berf unk pwar......" The parents leaned forward, watching their little girl for a sign of motion, made more unlikely by the action of Himiko sticking a knife in her head, but they were still hopeful.  
Later, lamenting over a cup of tea, Himiko tried to apologize about the knife thing.  
"Er...you see, that doesn't always go like that..."  
The couple thought she was apologizing for the failure, and dismissed it to Himiko, though privately they chalked it up to pure blind demented idiocy.  
"So," Himiko said with a crooked smile, "what's with the garlic? Is the house stinky?"  
"Uh...no. You see, there's been a series of vampire attacks in the last few days, and perhaps Aiko is one of it's victims...it couldn't hurt."  
"Except for the smell. Wait! Did you say vampire?"  
"Er, yes. There w-"  
"Hush, Boqweesha!" cut in the father, "don't speak such rubbish! I'll have no such nonsense in my house!" That with a considering look at Himiko.  
"No! Tell me."  
"Ok. Well, there was this strange figure lurking around outside the house, all covered in robes despite the heat, and I just thought it strange."  
Larva moved guiltily a little further into the corner.  
"Hmmm," mused Himiko, "that DOES sound like a vampire!"  
"As a matter of fact, the latest attack was a young junior high girl, not far from here."  
"Ah-HA!" Himiko wailed, and fled from the house to investigate.  
The father turned to his wife. "There wasn't a vampire attack near here."  
"I wanted her to leave."  
"Mama?" a small voice asked, and Aiko emerged from the next room, oblivious to the knife wound in her head. Her mother chucked her tea cup at her head, and she fell down, unconscious again.  
"Come then, sweeting, let's get it on." The two parents faded from view, leaving Larva alone with the senseless little girl. Evil thoughts began to form in his mind, and he grinned and advanced on her.  
  
Himiko ran as far as the front steps, and had to stop, panting heavily.  
"Whew! I gotta go find......" Thought left her alone again, and she sagged. "Ooh. Um...." She turned to go back to the house, and peeked in the front door for a hint, just in case the parents were getting it on, or something. She only saw two untouched teacups, and a third laying on it's side by an indistinguishable black lump of cloth that had not been there before. She shrugged, and decided she would have to figure it out alone.  
  
  



	4. l

Miyu sat staring longingly at the clock, exhausted from the day's effort of keeping up with N'sync-minded logic. She had done her classwork without even looking at the page, and was patiently waiting for lunch so she could go home and apologize to Larva for what she had done to him the night before, though he hadn't seemed to mind too much at the time. The minute hand crept closer to the twelve, closer meaning now it was on the six rather than the five. She sighed. This was going to be a very long day. Maybe instead of apologizing to Larva, she would rape him again instead, just to pick things up a bit. She caught a snatch of the conversation still going on on the other side of the room  
"No!"  
"Yes!"  
"No!"  
"Yes!"  
She sighed. She seemed to do that a lot. She hoped it burned calories. Then again, raping Larva probably burned calories, too. The minute hand moved one mark forward, and Miyu threw a fireball at it, stalking out of the classroom to the sound of the fire alarm going off, which half the student body took to be the lunch bell as students flooded into the cafeteria, ignoring the frantic squawking of the lunch ladies that they hadn't finished grinding up the gophers yet. The janitor was still disconsolately mopping his floor, even as children flooded over him, and Miyu faded back into her own realm. And was treated to the sight of Larva, minus his cloak, apparently wearing a little girl's kimono. Miyu smiled. Perhaps the day wasn't going to be so boring after all.  
  
Himiko wandered as much as the five by five foot porch would allow.   
"Um um um.....I really don't know why I ran out so fast. Something important...that vampire...yes! The junior high school! THAT'S the root of the attacks, I just know it!"  
Himiko zipped to her car and drove at eighty through the school zone to park her car next to a large bright fuchsia van. She walked the grounds, through groups of eating students, keeping half an eye out for something suspicious. She saw a gathered group of girls around what appeared to be a basketball court. She sauntered over, and stopped as she spied the most beautiful boy she had ever seen. Ooooo she thought.  
"I WANT!" she screamed, and the girls turned to stare at her. "Um, who's the stud?"  
"That's Ranka. She's butch."  
"WHAT?!?"  
"Oh, you mean Kei. He's new here. His parents are successful businessmen-"  
"Both of them?"  
"Yeah, it's a weird family. He doesn't talk much."  
"Grrrr."  
Himiko searched through her bag, looking for something to aid her now clear goal of getting Kei into bed. She found a cross, a bottle of holy water, a rather sticky knife, something not mentioned so as not to taint any young minds, and finally found a drawing of a doll a man had given her in lieu of payment. She crumpled it, and threw it at the boy as he was about to shoot. It rebounded off the back of his head, making him flinch and cannon the ball into the ring of watchers in front of him, rendering several of them dead. He turned, staring at the marauding ball of paper.   
"OOOHH!" Himiko wailed, "that's miiiiiiiiine!" She flailed onto the court to come face to face with Kei. "WOW! MAMA WANT! Um, I mean thank you."  
"Uh, interesting drawing," he said, smoothing it out and handing it back to her. He favored Himiko with a small smile, and said "I like dolls." With that he turned and walked off the court to meet the butch girl originally in question.  
Kei walked toward Ranka, smiling slightly, leaving the slut behind. She was kind of pretty, and seemed to have the same interests as him, but he just didn't have any money. Ranka fell in beside him as they walked off campus into the surrounding woods. They came to a small cabin, and went inside. Kei immediately fell to groping Ranka, who pried him off gently.   
"Kei..."  
"Do you have it? What I need to be immortal?"  
Ranka stood puzzled for a moment, since this was the first time she had heard anything of that nature. "Uh...sure."  
Kei giggled gently. "Oooo, I am sooo pretty!"  
You puss Ranka thought to herself. Aloud, she said, "Yes, just a little longer now, and we can be together forever." For some reason that didn't seem to cheer him up. He shrugged, and fell to groping Ranka again. She let him, since this is what she wanted in the first place.  
Miyu sat outside the window, still slightly flushed from chasing Larva around with a machete, trying to peel off the dress. Among other things. A very pretty boy and a girl shinma were in a passionate groping session. Miyu marveled him for a second, not thinking passionate thoughts, then decided finally that she would drink his blood, Ranka or no. She knew Ranka already, from a rather unfortunate instance with dead people, bunnies, bubbles and such. She seemed to have exhibited a severe giggling disorder last time Miyu saw her, and an unholy tendency toward dolls. Miyu wasn't incredibly fond of her. Neither was Larva, but then, he wasn't fond of many people. He found it more fun to stalk them. Miyu giggled gently, then left until Ranka tired of sucking on her new toy. She knew there was a shinma near that she was supposed to be hunting, not Ranka, but she had yet to search fully. She took the route Himiko's unfortunate mind took, which was to go to the junior high. Lunch had ended, and the day was almost done. Miyu didn't care, and wandered the halls by herself. She saw Himiko standing by the water faucet, holding down the lever to get a drink, then releasing as soon as her mouth got near. She kept trying for about ten minutes, until she got frustrated and stalked to the office to complain about their defective faucets. Miyu decided to toy with her mind a bit.  
Himiko walked into the office, opening her mouth with words that would singe maidenly ears, and stopped dead. There was no one there. She peered about inquisitively. Still no one. She ventured to peek in a drawer, then a cup of coffee, but they persisted in staying gone. Then everything went dark. In a fit of uncharacteristically rational behavior, Himiko gasped, and shouted out "Who's there?" Then she darted straight into the wall. Miyu appeared in front of her, or what would be her front if she had not been pressed nose-first into the light switch.  
Himiko murmured something Miyu was sure she was fortunate to miss, and pushed herself away. "You!" Himiko deduced.  
"I noticed," Miyu replied, "but to get down to business-"  
"Nnnyeezz," Himiko giggled evilly, then elaborately raised her arm and, reaching into her coat pocket, very deliberately and obviously threw a wad of paper at Miyu. She bent down to pick it up, and unfolded it.  
"What's this? Whoa! That's pretty damn wei-"  
Himiko snatched away the paper, and crumpled it up, stuffing it back in her pocket. Miyu smiled. "A receipt for a bottle of banana flavored motion lotion?"  
Himiko huffed and pulled out a water balloon, hefting it about five times to test the weight, then finally launching it at Miyu, who easily sidestepped, soaking Larva behind her. She turned to him and, licking him, said, "Holy water? How quaint."  
Gagging noises were coming from behind Larva's mask, and Himiko smiled proudly. "Took it from a monk on third street."  
"But you missed, Himiko..."  
She tilted back her head. "DDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMN YYYOOOOOOUU!!!!!!!"  
"Would you like to leave a message?"  
Himiko stared at the receptionist, who stared back at her warily. "Where were you two minutes ago?"  
"Uh...........monogrammed pencil?"  
"Ooo!" Himiko snatched the pencil that said 'Bev' on it, and left the office clutching it with both hands.  
Miyu giggled, and Larva continued to gag, equally for Miyu licking him and his thoughts as to what exactly Himiko would do with motion lotion.  
Himiko skipped out of the office, giggling. One of the students looked worriedly at her. Himiko stopped to stare at her, so she could see what her t-shirt said. The student took this for a sign of invitation, and stepped forward. "You know, miss, running with pointy things is bad bad bad."  
"Are you really a sexy bitch?" The student stared confusedly at Himiko, until she pointed and said, "That's what your shirt says you are..."  
The little girl's face darkened, and she pulled out a set of brass knuckles, prompting Himiko to give up for the day and return home with her life and, what she had deluded herself about, her sanity.  
She sauntered out to the student parking lot, where a ticket was pinned to her car's windshield, still parked next to the fuchsia van. The signature on the bottom was in an ancient script, flowing and elegant. Himiko assumed that meant she wouldn't have to pay it, and stuffed it into her purse.  
She arrived in her driveway, defeated, and turned off the engine. She grabbed her purse and got out, lost in the bottomless abyss of a vacuum she mistook for thought. She opened her door, and walked in, stripping off her clothes as she did so, stuffing them under the sofa. Which seemed to be in a different place than she remembered. She tried to saunter into the kitchen, and ran into a wall, which also seemed to be in a different spot than she remembered it. She swayed into the doorway leading into the kitchen, and found a family of four sitting at her table, for some reason staring startled at her.  
She eyed them quizzically, then her mood darkened. If THAT VAMPIRE could make people disappear, then she could make people appear.  
"I know what you're here for...." Himiko began darkly. The sixteen year old boy had broken into a nose bleed. She stuck her tongue out at him for interrupting. She then continued. "An ah noh wha yo dunna-" she put her tongue back in her mouth, -do."  
"And....what would that be?" the mother asked, who had placed herself between her family and Himiko, mostly to block her from their sight.  
"Um.....hey! Whaddid you do with my clock?!?"  
"That would be my wall."  
"Oh. Um...am I at the right house?"  
"Probably not," the adolescent boy grinned. "I'll show you my room, to see if you recognize anything.  
Suzie strolled down the street in the night air, enjoying the quiet lull of the neighborhood resting. With a deafening crash, a naked woman clad only in a pair of leather boots came sailing out one of one of the windows of the house next to her, followed by an irate housewife wielding what appeared to be a fifty pound Wisk, and a small but hopeful looking sixteen year old boy. Suzie fled the scene.   
She ran panting for three more blocks, just to make sure none of them were following her. Larva followed close behind, until Miyu found him and snagged him off to find the shinma she had been sensing. This time, when they ventured into the school, they made sure no one else was there.  
  



	5. i

Miyu sauntered down the halls, keeping her senses open for anything unusual, and also so she could monitor what Larva was doing, not because she didn't trust him, but because it was just so damn amusing. She stopped as she once again saw a picture of a dead slut with a pencil through her neck doodled on the wall. She shook her head at Larva's artistic abilities, and went to the supplies closet to look for clues. In a moment, Larva joined her, wearing his Playdough thong.   
"It tastes salty," he said gravely at her questioning look.  
She casually rammed her fist in his eye, and walked in amid the smell of the urine of small children and glue. She scanned the shelves and, at this point realizing that her particular job had absolutely no use for detective work, gave up and dragged Larva back home so she could see if Playdough really did taste salty.  
  
Himiko blinked blearily, scratching her eyelids, since several large and annoying shards of glass seemed to have lodged themselves therein. 'Hmm..I don't remember getting contacts'. She got to her knees, swaying slightly, and pushed herself the rest of the way up using a large post-like object that had not been there a moment before. She peered up at it, despite several large rents in her retinas.   
"Hmmmm....methinks this is perhaps a deck someone has misplaced." She then made her way to the police station to see if anyone had reported a missing deck and to perhaps claim a reward. She walked up to an important looking building that had vehicles with flashing lights parked out in front.   
"Ah ha! Hmm, 'hospital'. This must be the place!" She waltzed into the automatic doors, since they refused to open for her. She tried again, then again, finally realizing that this course of action wasn't working, and that her nose was bleeding, and there was a rather large Wisk through her neck. She deduced that she needed some medical attention, and had a flash of thought just brief enough to realize that it was fortunate that she was at the hospital after all. Spying a doctor inside, she hurried toward him purposefully and broke her nose. She growled menacingly at the door, and tried to intimidate it by puffing out her cheeks. The doctor on the other side of the door had stopped to stare at her. She waved at him to get his attention more firmly, and broke her fingers. She howled, and decided to give up her pursuit of opening the door and just settled on punishing it. She backed up, howled again to give it a chance to defend itself, and rushed at it, stepping on the mat designed to open the door when someone did just what Himiko had just done. She went sailing towards the now-open door, and crashed into the doctor who had been staring at her. They fell to the floor in a tangle of limbs.  
The doctor shook his head to clear it, spitting out a few shards of the glass tube full of frozen embryos he had been carrying, noticing they tasted slightly of shrimp. He was now closer to the young woman he had been staring at. Now he could get a better look at her, since before she had been obscured by a glass door with several cracks and smears of blood on it. He stared at her, plastered to his chest, then smiled and decided to let her wake up on her own, since she was still naked and his wife hated him, preferring instead to spend her nights with the conveniently shaped tubes of frozen embryos he brought home. He sighed, and brought his head back to rest on the ground, wondering if this naked woman was perhaps for sale.  
  
Miyu was again slightly out of breath, and Larva was back in her realm, sleeping, still strapped to the tree where she had left him. She crossed the dimensions to float lightly onto her Tori gate, since it seemed as good a place as any to catch her breath and happily reflect on all the beastly things she had just done. She decided to count how many different bones were in her left ear, and promptly fell asleep.  
  
Himiko blinked her eyes blearily, once again crawling back to consciousness for the second time that day. Her face was pressed to some sort of stiff white material that bounced slightly under her face, making her nose hurt more. Memory came trudging reluctantly back to lodge itself in her head.  
"Aiieeeee! The Junior High!" She pushed herself off the chuckling doctor and ran headlong into the door, once again losing consciousness.  
  
Larva, meanwhile was being followed by a small, pink bunny creature, which was beginning to get on his nerves, since he didn't have much of a chance to make it stop, being strapped to a tree as he was.  
  
Himiko, for the third time that day, crawled painfully back to consciousness, muttering imprecations to herself, then muttering recipes, since nothing else came to her mind.  
"I see dead people"  
Himiko gave a start, dislodging several tubes which had formerly been lodged in her. She saw a rather ugly, yet completely plain doctor, with an auburn hairline that was receding, and a syringe tucked professionally behind one ear. "Am I dead?" Himiko asked fearfully.  
The doctor looked up from his study of her open hospital gown. "What? Oh, not you, I was just making a general statement." Himiko nodded thoughtfully, and wondered why her body was in a brace.  
"Why's my body in a brace?"  
The doctor put a hand to his forehead. "Are you?" He leane obscenely close, inspecting her from head to toe before straightening slowly. "Well....." he grinned sheepishly, "How 'bout that?"  
Himiko twitched, attempting a shrug in her harnesses. "I don't know. You'd have to ask someone with experience."  
The doctor took a pen from his pocket and fiddled with it self-consciously. "Hey, um, would you like to maybe go out and get some shrimp later?"  
Himiko made a face. "I don't like shrimp, they taste like embryos."  
Doctor Nick threw down his pencil, rupturing Himiko's urine bag. "Well fine! I'll just give you a blood transfusion then!" He paused. "Or, I would, if we had any left."  
Himiko twitched, in lieu of bolting upright. "You wha....?"  
The doctor looked at her, hoping the intensity of his stare would simultaneously make her fear for her life and want to sleep with him. "Well, since I don't know you and it's none of your business, I suppose I can tell you the whole story!"  
He then related to Himiko the unfortunate grocery cart accident a woman had suffered, injuring her toe. "I had to cut it off, since she volunteered and all, and well, since I guess she knew she was going to die, offered hers and her husband's blood for her daughter, and, well, to make a long story short, they're both dead now, and the daughter thinks she's a vampire."  
"Ah-ha! I know a vampire whose parents are dead! That's it!" She jumped out of her bed, trailing her leaking urine bag behind her, failing to tell the doctor what 'it' was.  
She rushed into the door, making her lose consciousness once again, prompting a helpful janitor to toss her helpfully out a window.  
Which is why Himiko found herself sitting expectantly in front of Aiko's parents, ready to tell them she had found the source of their daughter's persistent unconsciousness.  
"Hmm hmm hmm..." she giggled to herself. "I see dead people. That's a good one"  
The mother's head jerked up. "You KNOW?!?" Her astonishment was not so much worry at being found out as amazement that Himiko had figured something out by herself.  
"I KNOW?!?" Himiko wailed pitifully. "Why didn't you TELL me?" The father and mother exchanged looks, fading away to find a way to spice up their sexual afterlife.  
"Ghosts? AW HELL!" She shouted, fleeing into the door, squashing a now once-again unconscious Aiko against it. She grabbed Aiko, trying to thrust her away, so she could saver her nearly naked ass, but the small girl hung on. Himiko stared down at her. The girl's eyes were open, and an unearthly light was shining in them. Himiko giggled and poked one.  
  
"Gimme eat." Jed the janitor slammed his lunch tray apathetically against the counter, now that his daily regime of mopping, sweeping and possession had finally been completed. The lunch lady just as apathetically scraped a few congealed corn lumps onto his grotty tray, accepting the few quarters he flung at her, stuffing them down her shirt.  
Jed sauntered over to the salad bar, finally deciding on raspberry and liver pudding and a dead kitten before dragging his miserable carcass over to a stained but clean table to shovel a few bits of food that had earlier been on the very same table but that had been scraped with a gray sponge into an old coffee can to be re-served the next day into his mouth. Just then, his beeper rang. He glanced at it angrily. "Aw hell!', he announced, and slid gracelessly out of the cafeteria, leaving the lunch lady to wonder why she had never noticed what a large, striking, worm-like God-demon he was.  
  
  



	6. m

A large, black ship drifted out of the mists of a dead sea, a crimson-clad figure bearing a mask at its dilapidated helm. She stood with her back straight, and her face to the wind, the expressionless mask hiding her thoughts. Which happened to be along the lines of "Goddamn netherworlds. ALWAYS get goddamn flying bird people plastered on the windshield going through the goddamn netherworlds..." and so on. There were other figures on the boat, though not all with readily recognizable sexuality. One seemed to be a permanently haughty water sprite, with long green hair dragging on the splintered deck, leaving small knotted hairballs which a large, stupid looking Shinma with a sword and cowlick kept picking up and placing in his shirt to make himself look bigger. A third, a smallish teenage-looking boy with black hair and green eyes, was staring rapturously as the wind wreaked havoc with the masked woman's clothes, affording him with several gratuitous panty-shots. A fourth, obviously the leader, was staring disapprovingly at everything over what appeared to be a wad of toilet paper covering his nose and mouth, and encompassing the top of his head. Three were over toward the end of the ship together, by their appearances ready to start a drag group, since all seemed to have gotten inspiration for their appearance from an 80's transvestite. One had pink hair and amusingly large pointed shoulder armor which he purposefully used to stab another, with Himiko-like hair and boots, repeatedly in the eye. The last member of the group looked distinctly female, with fine, delicate features, nearly colorless, chin-length hair, slanted red eyes, and a billowing white blouse, which was probably the reason he chose to wear skin-tight red pants, to accentuate that he was, indeed, male. Not that he possessed much proof. They were all together, yet they held themselves apart, since it was obvious all came for different reasons. Including a small middle-aged couple who had been hiding below, because they had been accidentally booked on this ship while trying to take a cruise.  
The crimson-clad woman leapt gracefully down from the front of the ship, squashing the teenage boy, who had broken into a nosebleed.   
"Carlua!" The leader barked in a voice used to command and muffled by the toilet paper. "You delinquent slut! Get off Lemunia!" Carlua complied, swishing her skirts away from the prying eyes of Lemunia, who had awarded himself nearly 15 panty shots that day.  
"I not a delinquent, Lord Pasuzu!" she wailed, making the pink-haired one flinch and stab the Himiko-like one in the eye again. "I noooooot!" Her wailing showed that she had very few teeth left. Those that remained had inlaid gold letters spelling the word 'Larva' out. Pasuzu sighed, and ripped the papering from his face.  
"Shut up or I'll sic Cait Sith on you!" The pink haired one grinned, then shook his fist challengingly to no one in particular. Carlua pouted, and hiked her skirts unnecessarily high to sit on the railing. Pasuzu frowned and, with a put-upon sigh, began the speech he had given many times, but found it necessary to repeat again.  
"We-"  
The big, dumb one raised his hand.  
"And by 'we' I mean all of us ON THIS SHIP!"  
The big dumb one put his hand down.  
"WE, meaning US, are here to retrieve Larva," Here Carlua showed her teeth triumphantly, "and bring him home with us, and possibly render Miyu dead."  
Cait Sith smiled evilly, and Carlua stuck her fingers in her mouth and blushed. The sexless one stroked his hair. The stupid one raised his hand again. Pasuzu put two fingers to his forehead, wishing he could just shove them right on through. "Yes, Spartoi?"  
Spartoi took several deep, excited breaths and began nodding emphatically. "I gotta BIG-SWORD!" The Himiko-like one snorted, and pulled out what appeared to be a toothpick with a handle.   
"Aw come on. Now THIS is a sword."  
"You stole that from an hour'de'vours plate!"  
"Nu-uh!"  
"It's a toothpick!"  
"It's a rapier!"  
Carlua gasped indignantly. "And you called ME a delinquent slut!"  
Pasuzu went belowdecks to take a nap, followed later by Cait Sith, so he could once again toilet paper Pasuzu's face while he was sleeping, since he was the evil one in the group.   
Carlua stuck her tongue out at his retreating back, dislodging several more teeth, and turned to the Himiko.  
"What'cha gunna do, Night Gia?"  
"That's Knight Gia!"  
Carlua gave him a blank look. "What difference does that make?"  
"It sounds cooler." He bit his fingers, drawing off his gloves. then holding them in his mouth as he put them back on again. "And I'm going to do what I do best."  
"Yay!" Spartoi cried. "Rocky Horror Picture show!"  
"No!" Knight Gia snapped. "I'm going to invade Miyu's dreams!" Spartoi frowned disappointedly, and Gia tugged his short yellow trenchcoat to rights again.  
"Can I come?" Lemunia asked expectantly.  
"No, you haven't hit puberty yet," Carlua chided.  
"Heh heh heh, he said come," Spartoi guffawed.  
This excited Lemunia, and he leapt on Carlua, trying to claw her mask off so he could kiss her. She shoved her foot in his groin and pushed him off, where he sat rubbing himself painfully to Spartoi's giggles. "Aww! You put out for everyone else!"  
"You're not a member of my family," she said primly.  
"No, you haven't hit puberty yet," chided Water Lipper, the green-haired sprite. Everyone turned to stare at her, and she glided gracefully down the ship until she smacked into the cabin wall. Which she also managed to do gracefully. She then gracefully passed out.  
"Huh uh huh," Spartoi touched the male/female, "You're pretty hot, Amy. Hey, uh...someone call 911, cause I'm on fire!"  
Amy threw a fireball at Spartoi, who burst into flames. No one called 911. Amy stalked down the ship's length in his heels, to get away from Spartoi, who he suspected still hadn't realized that he was male, despite his pants. He wiggled his ass disrespectfully at Spartoi, and stalked below, followed by Carlua, who spit helpfully on Spartoi. Night Gia then fell to the deck, since it had lurched upon smashing into the shore. He hopped down, rubbing his sword quite arousingly, it seemed to Lemunia, who then retired to his cabin to come on his own, since no one else would let him. (Yes, I know that was nasty.)  
  
Miyu slept happily atop her Tori gate, dreaming of the beastly things she had done to Larva. A small smile played across her lips. Some of it she wanted to do again right now, and the animal rights activists could just go hop in a lake. A boiling lake. A boiling lake of hot wax....Miyu sighed in her sleep.  
  
Himiko's head jerked up. She had heard something, some sort of soft wind. She opened her gown and peered in, then stopped as she felt small fingers around her neck. Aiko was squinting evilly at her, since she formerly had Himiko's fingers in her eye. She crept closer, opening her mouth expectantly.  
"Watcha doin?" Himiko yelled, making the small girl blink confusedly, since her own face was just inches from Himiko's own. She pulled Himiko's neck toward her mouth slowly as a means of answering. Himiko slapped her and laughed. "Look what I did!"  
The girl gave her an outraged stare, and stalked off. Himiko sat huffing to herself in the middle of the room. Suddenly, a door burst open and the janitor who had so kindly aroused Himiko by sticking his mop in his bucket slithered in. Himiko smiled at the wall.  
"Gaaaarg!" it said peremptorily. Himiko peered out the window and gently giggled to herself. "I'm saying GAAAARG!" it gaarged at her. "GAAAARG!!" It did a little dance in the middle of the room. "Heyy!!! You, lady!" Himiko was now laughing quite openly. "You think Raaweeaean is funny? Raaweeaean will show you!" With that several large and impressive blue flames sprung up around it, the spines on the back of it's head rising. Himiko gave a loud gasp, falling to her knees and doubling over, tears streaming down her face. Raaweeaean was glad she was finally realizing her role as the frightened human, and said "Gaaarg!" impressively.   
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!!!!! AH HA AH HA!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEE AW HAW HA HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRLLIIIIIIIIIICCCC!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Himiko laughed insanely in the creature's facial vicinity. "GAAAAAAAARRRLLIIIIIIICC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"What?" The creature cast around frightfully. "Where?"   
Himiko snorted approximately 32 times and pointed out the window at the produce. "FUNNY GARLIC!"  
"Aw DAMN! I'm allergic to garlic." With that the creature slunk unhappily back into Aiko's body, who giggled, then vomited Larva's cloak onto Himiko.   
"Ewwww," she said, smashing an empty tequila bottle she had in her purse on Aiko's head. She giggled. "That rhymes with spew. I'm clever."  
Aiko collapsed once again, no so pretty as when Himiko had simply stuck a knife in her head. A small 'Do Not Disturb' sign poked out her nostril and hung. Himiko complied, and decided to pick up the contents of her purse, which had spilled out as she pulled the bottle from her purse. She found the crumpled drawing of a doll she had used to get Kei's attention the day before, or the day before yesterday, since she had spent the previous day unconscious. She remembered her goal of getting Kei into bed, and rushed off to the spot she had last seen Miyu to ask if she knew where Kei was.  
  
As it happened, Miyu did. But Miyu was still asleep, her dreams for the moment untroubled but for the naked images of Larva that persisted in prancing through.  
  
Night Gia stalked along the empty streets, sharpening his toothpick with Cait Sith's greasy underwear, the smell which was beginning to get to him. He was going to ram it into the little Vampire bitch's body. He was going to sear her eyes with his-  
He stopped, staring, then with a howl of incredible frustration, stalked back to the ship, followed all the way by a small brown woman wearing lime panties and offering to sell him a scarf.  
  
Carlua had her finger up her nose, and was twirling it idly when a thud announced Night Gia's return. 'That was fast,' she thought. 'I knew that little creature was weak.' She dar-hyuked, and climbed the ladder with her breasts hitting every rung on the way up.  
Night Gia was standing on the deck with his arms crossed, already being confronted by Pazusu and Water Lipper's inert form. He didn't wait for anyone to speak.  
"Ya idiots! This isn't Japan! This is Spain! SPAIN!" He wailed louder for emphasis.  
Carlua cursed, and accidentally bit her thumb off. Pazusu went below again and dragged the middle-aged couple out, dumping them over the side as though they were to blame.  
"Ssssssspaaaiin," hissed Water Lipper from her place on the ground.  
Pazusu jammed his heel in her eye, and stalked below again, directing them to wake him when they got to Japan. Carlua began to sob, dropping more teeth than tears.  
  
Larva's wrists were beginning to hurt from the cables that still held him. The small pink bunny thing had been torturing him for the last hour or so since he had woken up, hopping just close enough to kick, then darting back when he tried. He decided to stalk it.  
Shiina shifted uncomfortably. She didn't like Larva. Ever since the bum in the alley, he had grown a fetish with putting small animals down his cloak, and beside that had just spent the last hour trying to kick her. Now he was just peering at her intently.  
"What?" she squeaked, slightly afraid.  
"I'm stalking you," Larva replied. Shiina hopped closer, and Larva's foot shot out, just missing her as she dodged back. Something occurred to her, and she hopped backward. Larva growled at her slightly. "Hey, aren't you 'sposed to be an ever-silent companion?" she asked. Larva put a blank look on his face.   
"What? I can't hear you.."  
Shiina hopped closer and raised her voice. "I said, aren't you supposed to be an ever-silent companion?"  
For an answer, Larva hooted gleefully and punted her. Shiina sailed until she hit a tree, then got up, trying to rub her head with her puny arms. She decided she wouldn't chew Larva free after all, and left.  
Larva frowned pitifully, his lower lip quivering, as Shiina left him all, all alone. The pupils of his eyes dilated, and filled with tears. His lip began to vibrate. He whimpered sadly. An enraged squeak came from the darkness, and Shiina shot forward to stop just out of range of Larva's boot. Larva tilted his head to the side beseechingly. He was without his mask, and none could resist his startlingly handsome natural face, not even Shiina. With a resigned squeak, she hesitantly made her way into the range of Larva's foot. Larva punted her across the realm, hearing her shriek all the way until she hit the ground. Larva giggled and kicked his feet happily. Shiina came stalking up to him, a bump on her head. "Now you listen here, you-"  
Larva's foot slammed into her, launching her even further than before. She raced back toward him, stopping out of range this time. She stood breathing hard and giving Larva half a dirty look with her one eye. Larva laughed at her.  
"Now you say you're sorry, and I might let you free!" She raised her other ear, exposing her large, bulbous yellow eye streaked with red veins.  
"You're sorry."  
"Well, now, that's-" Shiina halted just in time and skittered back just as Larva's foot whipped out. "Why you-"  
"You got no nipples" Larva informed her. She paused in the act of searing Larva's maidenly ears.  
"What? Hey," Shiina tried to peer down at her chest, but it was difficult since she had no neck. "You're right. Gee thanks!"  
Larva hung his head and twisted pitifully in his bonds. He tilted his head up slightly to regard Shiina with one obscenely gorgeous eye. "If you come here and chew this, I won't kick you?"  
Shiina eyed him back, then nodded smartly and moved closer. "See that you   
don-"  
She was cut off as Larva's boot took her on yet another voyage over the trees.  
  
Himiko stopped once again as a long, eerie wail permeated the forest around her. She began to get frightened, and decided to run, just in case whatever it was was in front of her, so she could smack blindly into it and maybe do it some bodily harm. She skidded around trees, and finally came to a road lined with lit lanterns on poles. Himiko ran into one, sloshing the oil onto herself and bursting into all sorts of flames. She screeched, hoping the carbon dioxide would combat the oxygen she was generating as she ran in little fiery circles. Some people who had come out to watch had started to applaud. Himiko took a bow, falling over, and rolling, as the long-ago learned lesson had told her to do.  
  
Shiina stalked wearily back to Larva, who was once again wailing pitifully. She growled squeakily. "I don't see-"  
"I don't know why, considering you have such an ENORMOUS EYE!" Larva cackled at her.  
She cleared her throat with a squeak and continued. "See why I should keep coming back to help you."  
"I know why," Larva said quietly, in a deep but clear voice. "Shhhh, it's a secret..."  
Shiina crept closer, eager to learn. This time, when she returned from her trip she sat off to the side of Larva.  
"Ok ok," Larva pleaded. "That one was just a practice. It didn't count. I REALLY won't kick you this time."  
"Why should I believe you?"  
"Because I want out!"  
Shiina eyed him doubtfully. Larva turned on the gorgeous. Shiina sighed, finally giving in, and climbed up in the tree, chewing through the cords that held him. Larva dropped to the ground, rubbing his wrists appreciatively. "Gee, thanks. You're not so bad after all." Larva reached up to pat her head. She dropped out of the tree to gaze cutely up at him.   
"Why you're w-"  
Larva punted her.  
  
Miyu awoke atop her Tori gate, stretching luxuriously before opening her eyes lazily to confront a grinning Himiko  
"AHHHHHH!!!!!"  
Himiko gave a start and fell off the Tori gate. "AHH!!!"  
Miyu glared at her bitterly, wishing she had the sexual initiative to do some of the beastly Larva things to Himiko, if only to cause her pain. "What the HELL do you want?" Miyu paused, examining her more closely. "What happened to you?"  
Himiko stared blankly at Miyu through the milky opaque burned skin covering one eye. "I caught on fire...I think." Himiko lifted one charred arm to examine it closely. "Yep," she touched her arm, where the skin was turning a potato-chip consistency. "I was on fire." The skin sloughed off from under her finger and hit the ground. Himiko laughed at it. "Look what I did!" When she looked back up, Larva was standing behind Miyu.  
"AAAAAAAHH!! Vampire!!" Himiko pointed two fingers at Miyu. "BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT!"  
Miyu's face fell. "Huh?"  
"There's a vampire behind you! Watch out!" Himiko reached into her purse and pulled out the now fractional tequila bottle, pointing at Larva for effect, and so he'd notice it. "Lookout!"  
Miyu fell off the Tori gate. "Himiko! I'M a vampire!"  
"Oh NO! It's already gotten you?"  
"AAAAAHH!!! No! I AM the vampire!"  
"Exactly!!!"  
Miyu died. Larva fanned her helpfully with his cloak. Now that Miyu had passed on to another plane of existence, he was left with Himiko alone.  
She squinted her eyes at him evilly. He gave her a guarded look, owing to the fact he was wearing his mask again.  
"Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked petulantly.  
"Why are YOU looking at me like THAT?"  
"I'm wearing a mask!"  
"What? I can't understand you, take that mask off!"  
Larva gave her the finger. Himiko huffed at him, making his cloak stir. "You listen here, missy," she said, shaking a finger at him, not the one he had just shown her, "you'd better stop wearing long robes and hanging around houses or there'll be trouble!"  
Larva stuck his tongue out at her. Himiko squinted at him.  
"STOP IT!" Larva tore at the cowl of his cloak. "It's making that thing on your cheek touch your obsessively plucked eyebrows!"  
"You started it!"  
"What?" he screeched  
"You're SQUINTING at ME!"  
Larva tore off his mask and pointed at it. "See? Not my face!"  
Himiko's eyes dilated. "AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD YOU'RE FOXY!!!!!!!!!"  
Larva blinked.  
Himiko threw herself groin-first at Larva. He screeched, and dodged hurriedly back into Miyu's realm, forgetting that she lay dead under the Tori gate. Himiko hit the gate with an audible smack and slid down to the ground, cradling her bent skull. Larva casually sauntered out of Miyu's realm, leaning his elbow on the gate before ripping it out and driving it into her neck. He then gave her the finger again and hovered off, leaving Miyu dead beside Himiko, who had, ironically, survived her encounter with intravenous gates.  
  



	7. i

Ranka sighed as Kei sat slumped in a corner, poking one of her dolls. With his finger. The one on his hand.....yes. THAT one. She combed her marvelous black hair and stared at his well-chiseled back, admiring the deep chisels her own nails had made. She giggled, and plucked a cord of the harp in front of her. Kei flinched, accidentally knocking the doll's head off. Ranka giggled shrilly again, making one of her eyes flop out onto the floor. She grabbed it and pushed it back into her head.  
"So, Kei, what's all this about you living f-"  
One of the doors burst open, white light flooding in, illuminating each pallid image of a former human soul trapped within a doll, which lay scattered around the dilapidated room. Kei hissed, flinging a hand up to shield his creamy jailbait skin from the sun's rays. Ranka pushed him through the wall.  
"Raaweeaean! What are you doing here? Don't you think Miyu will become suspicious if she sees us together? Besides, I thought you were busy with one of those hefty lunch ladies you like so much."  
"Hey, possession is a fear deeply rooted in the Japanese psyche."  
".....ok. Thanks."  
He nodded. Kei came stumbling out of the wall, clutching his ruined nose.   
"AAAH!! Mby FACE!!!" He screeched in a high tenor. "AIIEE!!"  
Raaweeaean casually slammed him back through the wall with his tail. "Miyu is dead."  
Ranka's eyes bulged. She hurriedly pushed them back in and went on more calmly. "How can that be?"  
Raaweeaean gave her a dirty look. "Damn you, woman. My tail's all scaly from Ajax, and you want me to answer questions."  
Ranka gave him a strange look. He wasn't making any sense. "What's with you?"  
He gave what passed for his head a shake. "I...I dunno. I seem to remember not being this stupid..."  
"Yes, Berv said you were fine when you left the cafeteria to go see about that child you're posses-er, I mean, obsessed with."  
Raaweeaean nodded his head-organ. "Yes....it all goes hazy after I entered the house....someone was there.....I seem to have displac....dis....displa.....lost some head-cells."  
Ranka nodded. She would have to take it unto herself to find out what had happened to Raaweeaean. Kei stumbled out of the wall again, and Ranka jerked her head toward him.  
"You can stay in him."  
Kei stared in horror at the 12-foot Shinma, and what would pass for an evil smile passed across Raaweeaean's facial vicinity.   
  
"Here kitty kitty..." the haunting call flooded the ship, less ominous than before now that the passengers were on deck. Half turned to look at the source of the call, Cait Sith, who stood bent over the side of the ship beckoning into the water with a brick of meatloaf. Water Lipper stirred and her fingernails scraped across the deck as she pulled herself over to him and dug her fingers into his leg.  
"AAAUUUGH!"  
The rest of the occupants turned to stare at the two, giving them both varying degrees of withering looks. Lemunia turned back to the front, where he was stationed at the front mast, spread up against it casually. Amy stood off to one side giggling to himself quietly, since he was getting panty shots from Lemunia.   
Cait Sith was hopping around the deck, dragging Water Lipper across it's splintered surface, leaving behind bits of her snagged flesh, which Spartoi placed inconspicuously into his shirt. "Lemme GO!" He brought his other foot up to smash against her face, making her pass out once again, and leaving him sprawled on the deck wondering how he ended up there. Suddenly, Lemunia perked to attention, making Amy giggle again.  
"There it is!" He pointed at the approximately 100-mile stretch of beach in front of them in case anyone had missed it. "We're here!"  
"To state the o-blivious," muttered Carlua, fiddling with her bra tips idly. Pazusu casually backhanded her.  
"BE NICE," he roared with dignity. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and used it to steady her head while his other pounded into her prone face. "Why can't you be NICER to the little freak?"  
Carlua fell over as he released her, depositing still more teeth onto the deck. "Er......sorry, Master."  
Amy pouted. "I thought you only played dominatrix games with me..."   
Spartoi waggled his chest at Amy, slightly stained from the bits of flesh and hair under his shirt. "HEY BABY! Wanna hang?" That with a suggestive look at Amy's pants.  
"Enough!" roared Pazusu once again. "GIA!" Night Gia looked up petulantly from the brick of meatloaf he had been carving with his pitifully puny sword.   
"Whaaaaaa...?" he whined expectantly.  
Pazusu pointed at the shore helpfully. Night Gia got the idea, and hopped off, leaving the rest to wait impatiently for his return, and go through his stuff.  
  
Knight Gia stumped through the unusual forest petulantly, by himself. He used his, also pitifully small, extrasensory....senses to find the exact location of the gateway between the worlds, which he would use to locate that vampire. He located it in short order, after stepping in and identifying 13 different kinds of excrement.  
He stumbled out of the shrubs into a Japanese courtyard, where Miyu herself and some woman who looked remarkably like his own person were confronting a large suit of armor with a completely homosexual-looking blonde man standing close by.  
Gia did a double-take. The man was wearing very distinctive earrings, and thought the color and degree of prettiness were off, this was apparently supposed to be Lemures. This theory was partially confirmed as a very high, broken whiny voice called out, "Release Lava!"  
Gia noted that this was physically impossible.  
"Remules!"   
Gia snorted with laughter  
"You will release Lava!"  
Night Gia was confused. He thought that was what they were here to do with Miyu, not Miyu with Lemunia's dead older brother.  
The person in question suddenly reared up, fluffing a bit of fabric around himself to distract from the fact that he was going through an outfit change, and when the flurry died down, he was wearing a mullet, had 2-foot shoulders, and one of his legs seemed to have disappeared. " Hey Miyu!" He yelled through his masquerade mask  
Gia did a double take. Something was wrong.  
Remules shot up into the air, suddenly slowing to hover impressively. "I AM the Blair Witch project!"  
Gia clapped. Everyone's head whipped toward the sound. He swallowed and backed out.  
Miyu hopped over to him. Gia wondered why she wasn't walking, or flying. She looked like a stupid bunny that way.  
"Eh hev no TIME fur yu!"  
Gia nipped off behind a bush, and Miyu with a lisp turned to Remules. "Release Lava!" she informed the Shinma, just in case he hadn't been paying attention the first few times.  
Suddenly a large suit came from behind Miyu and wrapped it's arms around her in what it took for a friendly hug.  
"I wuf you!"  
"WAAAUUUUUG!" Miyu struggled in it's arms, letting out an almost orgasmic wail. Gia found the whole scene incredibly disturbing.  
"No, Barney!" Remules hopped onto it's shoulder to reprimand it. "No violence! We won't get put on Cartoon Network! Just...make a long speech or something!" He tottered on his one leg and fell off.  
Now Gia was thoroughly confused.  
The man in the large suit dropped Miyu, where she unceremoniously thudded to earth before hopping up and confronting Remules with her flame and her lisp.  
"Yu eh weel not theel to the darkneth. Yu eh will reduth to asheth."  
With that Remules burst obediently into flames. He wailed on for an uncharacteristically long time. "Laaaaaaaaaarvaa!!" he suddenly shouted. Gia looked around expectantly; no one was there. "You were charmed by this giiiiirl!"  
'Oh yeah, she's a real charmer' thought Gia.  
"Don't you understand......................"  
Gia waited expectantly for this new voice to finish.  
"..................................Lemures?"  
Gia didn't. Apparently, neither did the being with Lemures' name.  
"Understand whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuught?" it wailed, with a good bit of his own flesh stuck in his throat, it sounded like.   
"This girl's...................................................."  
Gia kicked his heel impatiently. Though, there was something about the voice...  
".......................................sorrow."  
The voice seemed to be having trouble putting it's sentences together. Miyu giggled, then guffawed as the Shinma burnt itself into nothing.  
"Noooooo!!" The suit wrapped it's arms around Miyu again. "Vi-o-lence is baaaa-yeed!" It started to squeeze the life out of her to accompany it's point.  
Suddenly, something rushed at Gia, knocking him over in a tangle of cloth and limbs. He groped his way around the mass on top of him, until he came to something he could use as a handle to haul this thing off him. It turned out to be Larva.  
"Larva!" he deduced. Larva ignored him, rushing over to the Shinma to push it, kindergarten-stlye, and swipe Miyu away to the relative safety of his arms.   
"Lava!" Apparently Miyu had noticed also. "My friend..."  
She then buried her face in his chest and, it seemed, tried to suckle him. The human in the suit wandered off and got shot.  
Gia stepped out of his hiding place in the bush, wiping his hand on his coat where he had touched Larva's....handle.  
"Larva!" The thing with Larva's mask looked at him. Something seemed to be wrong. He had seen pictures of Miyu on the internet, and this girl looked like Miyu, only not as cute. And the voice just didn't fit in his mind. There was something fundamentally wrong about it. And Larva. Larva seemed to be ignoring him completely. "Hey, Larva!"  
"Laba is my ever-silent companion."  
"Your WHAT?"  
"Laba!"  
Gia made a face. "That's dirty."  
The Miyu-like girl pointed to Larva.  
"Ohh!! You mean HIM" He pointed too.  
Larva now had two sets of fingers pointing at him. He didn't seem to react at all.  
Miyu turned and wrapped her arms around his neck. He didn't move. "My friend, did you get stuck in the wall again?"  
Larva elaborately raised his clay-like hand stiffly and, reaching mechanically around Miyu's head, poked himself in the eye.  
"O....k...."  
Miyu opened her eyes obscenely wide. "Shima!"  
Gia cast around for her target. "Who, me?"  
Miyu blew into her hand, expectorating on it slightly. "Hmm...No make fire." She shook it, and tried again. Nothing happened. She tried inhaling rapidly, but that had little effect past her getting hyperventilated and passing out. She fell off to Larva's right, fluttering gracefully to the ground. They both stared at her a moment  
Larva put out his right arm helpfully, his fingers stiff and askew.  
Gia gave up. Suddenly, Himiko ran in, slightly different looking than when he last saw her, owing to the fact that, unbeknownst to him, she had snuck off and stolen the clothes from a hooker who had died in the eighties. "Run! Get out of this place! This is not the place you seek! Pony Canyon!"  
"What?" Gia stared around him. There seemed to be no canyon in sight.  
"No! This is the English version! American! You want Japanese!" She gyrated, and did a little kicky dance. "Dub dub dub dub"  
Now Gia understood. He thanked her, giving her one of his gloves for a reward, and returned to the ship in a huff. He walked in on everyone in his bedroom, up to their elbows in his lacy underthings. "Hey!"   
Carlua ran out of the room, one of his shirts still in her teeth. Pazusu merely straightened as if nothing were out of the ordinary. Gia snatched up one of his shoes and pounded on Lemunia's head with it.  
"This is the English version, dumbass! You don't navigate not unwell!"  
Pazusu stuck one of the tampons he found under Gia's bed in his ear to drown out the sounds of what Lemunia was doing in the corner, and returned to the deck to do the navigation himself and perhaps try to wrest the shirt out of Carlua's mouth. He walked up the ladder, closing the door on Gia's disgusted yelp of surprise as he too noticed what Lemunia was doing in the corner.  
"That's MY bikini wax!"  
  
Ranka stepped though the dimensions out of the Tori gate, to look for Miyu. She found her, apparently dead, as Raaweeaean had said. Also there was a woman with rather large hole through her neck. She sat up when she saw Ranka coming.  
"Would you happen to be Himiko?" Ranka asked, identifying her by the small growth under one of her eyes Larva had ranted about in great detail in one of the girl's room stalls.  
"Himiko Se! I mean, Se Himiko, at your service."  
"Himiko at your service."  
Himiko snorted. "You're clever too. Hey, do you know where that small girl I have to save is?"  
"WHAT small girl?"  
"Aiko, or...Ajax, or Henry or something."  
Ranka began to make a connection between this remarkably stupid woman and Raaweeaean's sudden strange lack of brain activity.  
"Um....did you happen to see what killed Miyu?"  
"Ugumph?" She swiveled her head to spy Miyu next to her. "What!?! Oh GAWD! It GOT her!"  
Ranka thought that she was getting close to getting an answer from the ho. "What did?"  
"THAT vampire!"  
"Uh...what vampire?"  
"The PRITTY one!" Himiko clenched her knees together and squirmed across the ground. "Ohhh baby! Whatta FOX!!! Just like that Kei guy!"  
"Kei? What about him?"  
Himiko leaned closer. "Hey, you're that BUTCH chick!"  
"I beg your pardon!?"  
Himiko nodded. "If you insist. Get on it, bitch."  
"WHAT?!?" Ranka was beginning to see how Raaweeaean's sanity had been sapped by being near this woman.  
"Huh huh HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HUR HURHUHRURURHRHRHRHRHRH!!!!!!!!!" Himiko's nose was shooting matter at Ranka.  
Ranka began to slowly back away. Himiko cut off sharply, staring at Ranka intently.  
"HEY BUTCH!" Himiko waited until Ranka had acknowledged her call. "Wanna go see somepin FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!?"  
Ranka nodded her head slowly. "Uh...sure." She began to giggle. "I'd like that. Not that I'm short on laughs. After all, I've seen Kei naked."  
Himiko halted from where she had been going through the gate. "You done WHAT?"  
Ranka made an offhand gesture. "Don't think too much off it. Not that there IS much."  
Himiko looked disappointed. "Oh...well! Lookit this!" She stepped through the opening, not getting anywhere in particular, then pointing to the prone Miyu. She looked down, smiling widely. Ranka came to stand next to her. Slowly, Himiko's grin faded. "I can't remember why this was so funny."  
Miyu's dead eyes stared at Himiko. She began to sniffle. "This isn't funny." She turned and slapped Ranka, pointing at Miyu. "This isn't funny at all!" Ranka glared, and rubbed her cheek. Himiko brightened. "I remember now!" She grabbed Ranka's chest and hauled her through the gate again. Ranka shrieked protest, but Himiko hung on and drug her by the breast to Aiko's house. She threw her into the porch post, where she made a surprisingly loud thud. Himiko grabbed her by the hair and pointed her toward the awning. "ISN'T IT FUNNY?"  
Himiko dissolved into hacking laughter, and Ranka took this opportunity to take Himiko's hand from her panties and flee.  
  
Himiko stared a moment longer before realizing the garlic was gone.   
"HEY!!" She cast around. "Where's my GAAAAAAAAARRRLIC?"  
"GAAAAAARRGG!!" This came from inside the house. 'Oh uh' Himiko thought stupidly. 'That sounds like that janitor again. I wonder what his problem was?' She opened the door, which for some reason had morphed into a sliding one as opposed to the opening kind as it had last been when she had been there last when....she leaned against the doorframe, clutching her head. Now she remembered why she never thought. She saw the little girl she was supposed to be attempting to save, though by this point she completely had forgotten from what. She stalked into the room, pointing a finger at the little girl, meaning to make her tell. "Now look h-"  
She was interrupted as she banged into the steps she had forgotten were at the beginning of every well-stocked Japanese home, and fell face-first onto the floor panels, knocking herself unconscious once again.  
  
The Western Shinma's ship loomed out of the darkness once again, into a world of mist and confusion looking like a scene from the impressionistic period. During which time Spartoi had got the impression that Amy was female. The one detailed point was a gate, much like the one Miyu was lying dead next to, with two lanterns happily adorning the corners, leftovers from the reign of Darkness when the Shinma Martha Stewart had swept through changing the fabric of reality to more of a floral print. The occupants of the ship crowded the stern, Lemunia walking a bit gingerly.   
"Is that it?" Spartoi pointed to the gate, the only thing to be seen for hundreds of miles.  
Pazusu sighed. "Yes, that's the gate we go through to reach the first layer of the Japanese realm."  
"Let's BURN it!" Amy suggested gleefully.  
"YEAH!"  
"Actually," Pazusu said, "I think we're just supposed to go thr-"  
"WOOOOO!!!!" The occupants of the ship launched themselves over the side toward the unsuspecting gate, hitting the ethereal ground fifty feet below them.  
"Ow," Spartoi deduced.  
"Gwfff offff ffffm ffffrr ffffff ff" said Amy threateningly.  
"Ooopsie! Soorry aboot that, babe," Spartoi said, pulling Amy out from under him, for some reason sporting a Canadian accent. After the group had gathered itself, and after Carlua had gotten up once again, since Pazusu had landed on her, they walked towards the gate, stopping a few yards before it.  
"Uh...what now?" asked Carlua. Lemunia whimpered.  
"A worthy adversary," said Lipper, having peeled herself from the deck earlier. "I shall rise to meet this challenge."  
"Heh heh heh, she said 'meat'" Spartoi giggled.  
"She said 'rise'," Lemunia turned to look at Spartoi, and they both giggled together.  
"Heh heh heh," Pazusu looked at them fondly, "shut up."  
Lipper raised her hand elaborately and, with a small, wordless cry, rushed the gate and spit on it. "...well, I'm out."  
"I know!" cried Amy, "Let's BUUURRRN it!"  
"Woooo!!" Cait Sith ran headlong into the gate in his excitement.  
"ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THIS? WHO HAS BEEN KNOCKING ABOOT WITH MY GATE?" A large shape had loomed into the scene, looking like a bald and slightly misshapen Canadian tree. Cait Sith giggled at it from where he was sitting on the ground. The thing puffed up self-importantly. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"  
"You're a SHRUBBERY!" Spartoi hooted.  
"NO! I AM YOUR OSA!"  
"Mmmuh?" Carlua was starting to look lost again. "Mommy?"  
"NOO! IT MEANS 'LEADER'. I AM YOUR LEADER! YOU CANNOT BE HERE!"  
"Hey, speaking of meat..." Spartoi folded himself up on the ground and took a few choice cuts from his shirt and stuck them to the end of his sword.  
"My Dragon!" He called, "fire this for your master!"  
Carlua leaned over to Lemunia. "What IS he talking to?"  
A small lizard poked it's head curiously out of his pocket. He glared down at it.  
"Obey me!"  
The lizard hissed at him.  
"BUUURRN IT!" Amy launched a solid bar of fire at Spartoi, rendering him some bodily harm. The lizard remained untouched. He sat up and glanced at his sword.  
"Hey thanks babe!" He growled at Amy and wiggled his eyebrows. Amy sniffed at him. He then gagged and fell over.  
"IDIOTS! BEGONE! THIS IS NOT YOUR REALM!"  
"Do you always speak in such big words?" asked Gia innocently.  
"WHAT ARE YOU-? AHHH!" The Osa flailed slightly, trying to dislodge Carlua, who had wrapped herself around it's trunk. "RELEASE ME!"  
Carlua gazed up at it with tear-filled eyes. "Mommy?"  
The Osa whipped it's branch out and flicked Carlua off itself. She flew over and collided with Lemunia, who took the opportunity to place his hands on her breasts. She looked up from where she was slumped against Lemunia, and began to cry.  
"HEY NOW, NONE OF THAT? C'MON, I'LL APOLOGIZE! AWW GEEZ...I'M SOORR-"  
"BUUUUUUUURRRRRNN IT!" Amy howled, and suited his own words, hurling a gigantic ball of flame at the tree guardian, whereas it obediently died.  
"Mmm mm..." Spartoi was munching on his Lipper meat. "Anybody got any Grenadine?"  
Amy produced some, and with that the group gathered itself and stepped over the body of the Osa, Carlua still sniffling slightly, to go through. Pazusu stopped to peer down. "You know, that really was quite unnecessary."  
"BWWAAAAUUGGH!!! MOOOMMMMYY!!!!!" Carlua tried to put a hand to her forehead in anguish, hampered slightly as Lemunia's hands were still on her breasts. She turned to Amy, slightly awkward, and clenched her fist petulantly at him. "YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED MY MOMMY!" She then noticed that everyone else had gone through, with the exception of Lemunia, who still had his hands on her breasts. She lowered her arm and shuffled sadly through. "Alone again...nobody loves me."  
Lemunia snickered  
  



	8. n

Ranka stalked back to the cabin she was staying at, huffing indignantly every so often in indignation. She stalked through the door, and caught Kei kneeling in a corner with his back to her.  
"What ARE you doing? You aren't using my bikini wax, are you?"  
Kei half spun toward her in fright at the sound of her voice, and shrunk guiltily back.   
"Uh.....nothin'." He clutched something to his chest, which made a small tupperware burp at his affection.  
"What is that?"  
"Hey, what's YOUR problem?" He bared his teeth at her, something pink and creamy dripping down to his chin.  
"Uh...you got something kind of dirty lodged in your labret." Ranka said, pointing.  
"AIIIEE!" Kei screeched like a ten-year old girl and leapt across the room in his shame, landing on his chest and skidding, leaving a reddish creamy smear in his wake.  
"Ow....I think I gots splinters in me teats."  
"WHAT?!?" Ranka stalked over to him. "I went and visited Miyu and she IS dead, if you care at all. What IS that?"  
Kei sat up, something small dropping out of his nose to land at her feet. "Hey, baby, I'm ALLL man in here!" With that he smiled again at Ranka, his teeth smeared with the creamy mixture.  
Ranka leaned down and poked a bit of the pink stuff with her finger and, praying she wasn't making the biggest mistake since Kei took his pants off, licked her finger. Her eyes popped open.  
"Raspberry pudding. What were you doing with raspberry pudding?"  
Kei grinned guiltily and zipped his pants up.   
"AAAAAAAAAIIIEEEE!" Ranka screamed and spit enthusiastically on Kei, scraping off her tongue with her finger, until she realized that is was the finger she had used to pick the stuff up, vomiting and flailing her arm about, the other clutching her throat. She began to run around the room, banging into things, until she rebounded off a wall and lay panting, only moving to reach her arm out to grab a doll and hurl it at Kei.  
"What is your PROBLEM?"  
"Well, maybe if you gave this boy some loving affection instead of teasing him....But no, I had a burn on my knees from the boy trying to run from me and falling on his knees, and needed something to soothe it."  
Ranka sat up. "Oh! It's YOU, Raaweeaean. I saw the woman who sapped your sanity."  
"Aw dang"  
Just then the woman herself flailed into the room...  
  
The Western Shinma stood gathered around the exit to the gate, staring around them in wonder.  
"THIS is the realm we have to defeat? Pfff" Night Gia made a dismissive sound and flicked his sword disdainfully, slicing off one of Carlua's cheeks.  
"This is EASY!" yelled Cait Sith, making a completely random clutching gesture.  
"Blue light special, aisle 5 on dented cat food. Blue light special..."  
Everyone looked around as a haunting call filtered out from somewhere above them.  
"Why yes it is, thanks to our new customer-friendly atmosphere!" the passing K-mart assistant smiled at them cheerfully. Amy burnt her to a crisp.  
"Come! Let us find the guardian so we can kill her." Pazusu started to walk to the door he saw.  
"Why do we gotta do that? Why even look if we're just gonna kill her anyway?"  
Pazusu reached into a nearby bin and threw a rubber ball at Spartoi's head, making a dent and a cool noise.  
"Aww..." Carlua bent over it and cooed gently, making Lemunia twitch, as his hands were still on her breasts.  
With a roar of indescribable frustration, Pazusu yanked them all out the door, Spartoi from where he had begun to play with his ball, Lemunia doing the same (WHAT?! Not dirty at ALL!) Carlua still bent over oblivious to Lemunia still attached to her and enjoying himself greatly, and Cait Sith from where he was headed over to aisle 5.  
Pazusu stalked through the brightly sunlit parking lot amidst the noise of passing cars, and transported them to the gate where Miyu lay, arriving at last.  
  
Himiko tripped over one of her breasts and fell flat on her face.  
"Whoa. THAT'S something I never thought I'd see." Raaweeaean nodded Kei's head in appreciation. "I'm going to treasure that."  
"Speak of the devil..." Ranka sighed and cast her eyes to the ceiling, where they bounced off and landed in her palm.  
"I want some ham."  
"Shut up, Raaweeaean. What are we going to do with her?"  
Raaweeaean shrugged Kei's shoulders.  
"I should have known. What are we going to do with you?" This she addressed to Himiko, who was beginning to get good at the whole unconscious thing, having had a lot of practice, and had recovered rather quickly.  
"I dunno." Himiko scratched an eye and looked up blearily. "I followed that little Henry girl here, an-" She spied Kei, and her eyes dilated. "OH MY THIGHS!"  
Kei stared at her blankly. He then bent over and picked up a small 'do not disturb' sign, shoving it back in his nose.  
There was a theory around the time the whole creationism vs. evolution argument was going on, fairly early in America's history. The idea of God creating the universe was compared to a watchmaker. If you were to find a watch in the middle of a road, you'd know the watch was there, knew it couldn't have possibly formed on it's own, but you couldn't find the watchmaker. Some have also used the excuse that, under the idea of evolution, if you left cogs, gears, and metal on a stump long enough, they'd somehow jump together and form a watch. This was used to show the impossibility of the universe forming on it's own. However, this process can be compared to what happened next with Himiko.   
Events crashed together in her mind, rolling over one another and, like the hypothetical gears in the watchmaker's theory, came together in a way that, totally impossibly and inexplicably, made sense. The facts themselves weren't inexplicable, just that the cogs and gears of Himiko's experiences had, against all the rules of nature, jumped together and made a perfectly formed watch.  
She pointed a finger at Raaweeaean. "YOU'RE the little girl! But you're not! You're THAT VAMPIRE infecting her body! And now you've infected my LOVE-SACK GODDESS KEI!"  
She slumped over, tired from the extreme effort of thinking. After all, though she had somehow formed a watch, she had no idea how to wind it.  
"Bravo, Himiko."  
"Wassat mean?"  
Ranka sighed and then slumped over, defeated.  
  
Larva floated among the stunted trees in Miyu's realm, peering in knotholes for where he had stashed his stolen pencils, now that Miyu seemed to be occupied. He spent the next six hours thus occupied, since there were a lot of trees.  
  
Ranka spent the next six hours slowly being deflated by the unflappable stupidity of everything that came out of Himiko's mouth, including the droplets of spit which she was unknowingly using to keep Raaweeaean at bay, since his poor mind had recovered enough to be filled with an absolute desire to rend her permanently dead.  
  
  



	9. a

For those of you who have read one of my other stories, Randland, you'll notice some similarities between the scene in Outback and the one in Denny's. But since I'm assuming most of you have not read it, I'm giving myself free rein to steal my own material. So yeah. Go Derikk  
  
The next six hours for the Westerners were filled with Outback Steakhouse.  
Cait Sith had begun growling at Spartoi, smelling the Lipper meat on him, and had gotten into several fights with him. Carlua was starting to sniffle again, and Night Gia was gnawing on a scarf he hadn't had at the beginning of the journey. Pazusu decided they would stop at the next place they found for food, since everyone had begun to try to inconspicuously gnaw pieces out of Water Lipper.  
"Welcome! Please be seated and wait for us to acknowledge your existence!" said a cheerful, Khakied girl, whose smile was so big it obscured her eyes and made it impossible to see the highly unusual aspects of the group that had just walked in  
Outback was bustling with the noise of customers and the noise of the small boys hidden in closets and hired specifically to make noise and create a busy atmosphere. Each of the Westerners took a seat on the 'Plase be seited' benches, slightly on edge from hunger and the large numbers of humans stuffing their porktraps.  
Cait Sith began licking the wounds he had received from Spartoi when they were fighting earlier.  
"Hungry?" asked an obnoxiously loud voice from the seat next to him. He turned coldly to the fat human with the gaping mouth and missing teeth next to him (think Bloaty's Pizza Hog man, for those of you who watch Invader ZIM)  
"Yes," he replied coldly.  
"Me TOOOO!" wailed the man happily, extending a pink shiny hand in the general direction of Cait Sith's face. "AHM BERNI!!! HEHE!" he wailed with a congenial chuckle.  
"Cait Sith." Again with a cold, withering look.  
Berni furrowed his eyebrows concernedly. "YA COLD?" He said, slapping Cait Sith on the thigh for no apparent reason.  
Cait Sith hissed and swatted at Berni. Berni laughed and shoved one of his fleshy fists into Cait Sith's mouth.  
"Hey Kate Shee," he chuckled, staring at Cait Sith's bulging cheeks. His voice lowered a bit and he said, leaning in, "You got a purty mouth." With this he popped out his fist and leaned back happily.  
Cait Sith eyed him sideways. "I do?"  
"Yerp"  
"Why....thank you! I don't know what to say," He beamed at Berni. "People say I'm a dashing fellow. They also say I have no discernable genitalia, but-"  
He was cut off by Berni leaping out of his seat and sloshing away for dear life. Cait Sith sat back and pouted.  
Lemunia leaned over toward Carlua. "Hey, Cait Sith said genitalia."  
"MASTERRRRRRR!" Carlua wailed.  
One of the cooks poked his head out of the kitchen.  
"Yes Carlua?" Pazusu asked distractedly.  
The cook shrugged and popped back into the kitchen.  
"HE'S TOUCHING ME!"  
Pazusu peered over. "Yes, he is."  
Carlua nodded, then got up and walked to the little girl's room, still dragging Lemunia.  
"WELL I'm back KIDDIES!" yelled the khakied woman happily. Cait Sith trembled. "TIME TO PARK YOUR MANLY GLUTES OVER HERE YONDER!" She motioned with a pack of menus for them to follow her, and swayed down the small aisles between the stained linoleum tables, knocking over water glasses with her wandering hips. She stopped beside a table as stained as the rest, and tilted her head slightly in it's direction, then smiled again needlessly and smacked down the menus, dislodging some yellow flakes, which floated to the next table and coated the forks.  
"Madame?" Pazusu asked apathetically.   
The woman turned from scraping corn lumps from between the seats into an old coffee can, which would be later served to customers, following the policy of any good food organization, squinching her eyes imploringly at him. "Yeahsir?"  
Pazusu gestured vaguely at the crell making layers and babies on the seat. "I believe our table needs a bit of cleaning."   
One of the woman's cheeks twitched enough for her to momentarily catch sight of the booth in question. "Why you are SO RIGHT sir!" She reached into the back waistband of her khakis and brought out a lollipop with the plastic wrapper melded to it from the heat generated by her ass, shoving it into his face. "Here you gooooo."  
"I think you mean go," Lipper said, addressing one of her fingernails.  
The woman reached behind her without turning around and snatched a styrofoam beer coaster off a table and shoved it into Lipper's mouth. "Here's a treat for you too, DEAR!"  
Pazusu ripped the sucker off the front of his face, for once thankful for the toilet paper which had saved him from his treat. "Madame?"  
The woman's attention had wandered, and she was picking her nose idly with a corner of the table. "Huh?"  
"Our table?"  
"Yes it is!" The woman straightened suddenly, and Pazusu had to sidestep quickly to dodge the treat that came barreling at his head, missing to shatter the window behind them.  
"Can we get someone to clean it?"  
"You wanna clean the table with a person?"  
"I mean can we-"  
Spartoi raised his hand.  
"WE, meaning ME, can *I* summon a cleaning official in order to, well, CLEAN THE TABLE?"  
"Oh don't go to the trouble! I can do that for you!" She missed the level look Pazusu was giving her. She hawked suddenly, snorted something into the back of her throat, and spat noisily and messily on the benches. She stripped off her apron and unzipped her khakis, hopping out of them to plunk her naked ass on the seat and clutch her ankles, spinning herself around until she had scrubbed a spot clean. She then returned her clothing to it's designated place, smiled at Pazusu, then spun on her heel and launched herself into the kitchen before Pazusu could comment.   
Pazusu eyed the clean spot, a circle having about a two foot diameter. "Well, I suppose we could share it..." Pazusu looked to the rest of the group. Spartoi had a straw in each hand and the ends rammed up his nose, causing him to go crosseyed. Amy was surreptitiously trying to scratch his ass on the hat of a man sitting behind them, Lipper was choking on the coaster seemingly without realizing it, and Night Gia was lolling his tongue out of his mouth and was trying to see how far back into his head he could roll his eyes. Pazusu slapped himself on the forehead. He looked up suddenly. "Where is Cait Sith?"  
Outside in the hedge, Cait Sith lay sprawled on the ground, staring up at the lollipop stick sticking out of the middle of his forehead. "This is really painful.." he said to no one in particular.  
  
Yeah, there's something for those of you who are still reading this. No one seems to be anymore, since I'm getting absolutely NO FEEDBACK! FEEED MEEEEE and I'll feed you back. Remember, as usual, any time someone leaves me a comment I add another chapter. And I'll take any comment you throw at me (any whatsoever) and add it to the story. (yes, aerithhime, I'm still working on the flaming you-know-whats). Cait Sith just had to have his treat first. COME ON! What's next, people? Tell meeeeeee. You scratch my ass, I'll scratch yours. Maybe that's why no one's reading this 


	10. l

Larva scratched his head confusedly. For some reason he had some black bottomless void of unimaginably agonizing sorrow eating away at his soul like a cancer, and couldn't remember why. He shrugged, and went back to look for his hoard of pencils.   
  
Speaking of hoards....Himiko had spent Ranka's energy, who was now slumped in the corner making startlingly loud 'DUUUHR' noises and scraping her head back and forth across the ground. Himiko had then promptly forgotten where she was and started raping Kei, who did seem to mind. Rawaweaean sat in the corner picking his nose with his silly tail.   
  
"Funner 'n bein hit with a side a wet beef!! AR HAR HAR HAR!!!!"   
Slaps accompanied the sound of intelligent conversation at the local neighborhood Outback, leaving it's seven otherworldly visitors to escape much more notice than they normally would have.   
"Lipper's got manufactured foam product lodged in her trachea. It's not FAAAAIIIIR!!!!" wailed Carlua. Lipper turned and gave her a questioning look, then turned an even darker shade of blue.   
"Can't hear you," Spartoi muttered, indicating the straws still stuck up his nose.   
Cait Sith's head jerked at the sound of her piercing voice. 'Aw damn. She's still alive'. He got up and pulled the treat out of his head, then shrugged and stuck it in his mouth, and crawled back through the window where earlier he had been launched by a flying treat.   
"I want that...." Gia told the table next to them.   
A small dark-haired woman in a blue business suit gave him a shaky smile. "Uh....what?"   
"What he said"   
"Who?"   
"What the hell are you talking about?"   
"What?"   
"That's what it smells like..."   
The woman suffered an aneurysm, and then purposefully shoved her water glass down her throat just in case the other wasn't enough to finish her off, and happily died.   
"You're a bad, bad boy..." Amy said, lifting his foot under the table to rub it up and down Gia's leg.   
Gia turned forward and shrugged dismissively then counted the change in a small coin purse he had found lying in the bottom of someone's pocket.   
Amy grinned, encouraged that Gia hadn't tried to stop his fondling, and dared to move his foot a little higher, to his mid-thigh. He glanced at Gia questioningly. Gia looked up from the hairy mint he had found infecting the bottom of the coin purse, and smiled absently at Amy. Amy grinned and went all the way up.   
  
Ooo, a cliffhanger. Fun. Let's all review, kids! And now, some foreshadowing   
"Let's hear it for not wiping!"   
The end of the foreshadowing


	11. c

His eyes narrowed and he slid down in his seat a little further, to get a better purchase with his toes. "My, you have an awfully big..."  
His brows furrowed, and he sat up hurriedly. He stared at Gia questioningly, then ducked his head under the table. Whatever he saw made his lips quiver and tears slowly etch their way down his face. He then clamped his hands over his eyes and went haring off to the little girl's room, accompanied by the high-pitched squeal he was emitting.  
Cait Sith's head popped up from under the table, and he crawled up to where Amy had been sitting, rubbing his nose irritably. "He stuck his goddam toes up mah goddam nose. DIIIEEEEEE!" Cait Sith started flailing around randomly.  
"Miss, uh Master Pazusu, I think Sith has turret's syndrome. Can I have his breadsticks?"  
Pazusu glanced down at the table. "We don't have any breadsticks, Carlua."  
"Hmm, that makes me have to pee."  
Pazusu grimaced. "What th-? You were just there"  
Carlua hung her head. "I missed. I wanna try for two..."  
"Two what?"  
Carlua shrugged. Spartoi suddenly whipped his head around and jabbed Carlua in the eye with one end of his straws. "There, now we are joined as one."  
Lemunia chuckled. "Spartoi's lost his virginity."  
"Now that makes me really have to pee" Carlua said, starting to cry.  
"Acckk aahh! You're getting water up by dnose" Spartoi choked out, sending phlegm into Carlua's eye.   
Pazusu gave up and stuck his oversized fork in the top of his head and then rested it on his arms, determined to die from blood loss before this was all over.  
Suddenly a large sounds reverberated around the room, causing the hawing at the other table to increase momentarily as Carlua's head slammed down on the table, caused by a large, pink man smashing her on the back of the head with what seemed to be a large rainbow trout. Spartoi howled as his straw was uncerimoniously ripped out of his nostril. Carlua moaned and slid off her chair into the aisle. A momentary spark of life entered Pazusu's eyes. He silently thanked his savior with a smile. The man smiled back, then began blinking his eyes rapidly as though he had gotten a bit of the fungus that coated the light fixtures in them. Pazusu noticed that he seemed to be wearing false eyelashes.   
"Heh heh heh, Master's got a girlfriend."  
Pazusu's head whipped toward Cait Sith. "What?"  
"Master's got a giiiirrrlllfriend," Cait Sith hissed evilly, then raised his voice and screeched. "MASTER'S GOT A GIRRRRLLL FFFRRRIEND!!"  
A cook stuck his head curiously out of the kitchen, then shrugged and ducked back inside.  
"What are you talking about?" Pazusu asked apathetically, expecting an answer more suited to a courtesy card in the suggestions box of a mental hospital.  
"Oh come now, Master,-"  
Lemunia snickered from under Carlua.  
"You KNOW he likes you. And besides, it WAS a rainbow trout..."  
"Pooo pooooo pooooooooo." Both Pazusu and Cait Sith turned to stare at Spartoi, who had his hand in one of Carlua's bra cups and was using it as a sock puppet at them. "I wike gwapes!"  
Amy calmly walked back to the table and sat atop the trout on what was Carlua's seat. "Has the waitress come to take our ORDERS yet?" Amys smiled at them, though now he seemed to have a tic that made his voice raise several decibels at random intervals. His lip began to twitch, which became a spasm, which soon became shudders that wracked his whole body. He suddenly stopped. "I'd like a Meaty Staff please."  
Pazusu's eyebrows climbed nearly to his tower of toilet paper perched on his forehead before he realized the waitress had arrived at the table and was taking their order. Inexplicably, Pazusu almost pitied Carlua the waitress standing on her face, then decided she'd be better off without a few more teeth, and turned his attention back to what was happening at the table, only to realize that the waitress had latched on to him and was passionately trying to suck his stomach inside out using her own mouth. He tried to yell in protest, but the result was just sort of a flatulent noise between their cheeks. Spartoi giggled and duplicated the noise without the aide of his mouth.   
"Lord, man, you're making me gag," Lipper managed to hiss out, which was in retrospect a bad idea, as it used up the last of her oxygen, causing her to die in a shower of fluffy flesh bits and random balls of burnt hair. The table next to them thought that it was confetti for a birthday party. They insisted it was everyone at their table's birthday too, and demanded a song and confetti too.  
Spartoi began laughing maniacally at his bra puppet, and Pazusu blessedly lost consciousness, as the sounds of Pink Floyd echoed around the restaurant.  
The waitress pried her flabby lips off the unconscious Pazusu with a loud slurp, the hawked and spat something into the palm of her hand.  
"Whata ya doin' foo?" Spartoi's puppet asked in a squeaky voice. The waitress displayed her palm, and the gold fillings lying in the center, still warm after being pried from their little happy holes in Lord Pazusu's teeth.  
"Yer friend sounds thirsty," the waitress suggested helpfully, then once again gagged phlegm into the back of her throat, and launched it at Carlua's bra, whereas she stuffed her tip into the right cup of her bra and sauntered off to the kitchen to molest Master, one of the lettuce boys.  
"Hey....." Spartoi stared around him sadly. "Everyone's asleep...."  
Cait Sith stared at him resentfully from across the table, and went back to munching his fish as Hey You continued to play over the intercom...  
"..hey you, out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?...."  
Spartoi cocked his head and began weeping silently at the pure barren truth of it all. 


	12. r

Larva sighed frustratedly as he withdrew his head from yet another knothole, as he had looked in nearly every other one he could find. He spun on his heel to double check, just to have something else to do, and skidded to a halt as a familiar, yellow, bulbous eye greeted him accusingly.  
"Ah. Hello...Shiina was it?"  
"It WAS Vlakri, but NOW it's Shiina, thankyouverymuch." The small bunny thing drew itself up to it's full nine inches. "You have insulted my honour-"  
"You're what?"  
"My HONOUR, an-"  
"Do you mean honor?"  
"NO! The other sounds better!"  
"How so?"  
"It sounds so...English. Cultured."  
"You think the Western civilization is cultured?" Larva's thoughts wandered over to his absent clan, which he hadn't seen in many years, before he had met Miyu, and subsequently been sucked on by her. He wondered what they were doing right now...  
"QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" The terse little squeak startled Larva out of his thoughts. "I WILL NOT STAND STILL FOR SUCH AN AFFRONT TO MY DIGNITY! PREPARE TO DIE!!" With that Shiina lunged for Larva's crotch, not for any sort of sexual preference, but because that was the highest she could jump. Larva grinned and caught Shiina by it's non-existent neck, drop kicking it into a knothole. He pumped his fists into the air in triumph. "SCOOOOOORE!" 


	13. a

What the hell is THIS!? I don't even remember writing this! It's rather scary.....Oh well, here's a little bit of....something I found lurking in my documents folder. Maybe it grew on it's own....  
  
  
My God, is all my stuff this demented? It's scary when you're on the outside looking in....dear God have mercy on my soul.....  
  
  
Larva stood grinning to himself for a few more minutes in pure blind demented euphoria, then suddenly stopped as the black void of unimaginably agonizing sorrow swallowed it up.  
"What's that about, huh Miyu? Why do I have a bl-" He halted as he realized the reason for his sorrow. "MEEEEEEE-YUUUU! THAT'S what I've been missing! Duh-HAR" Larva's gaping jaw and crossed eyes did little to spoil his beauty. That's what being abnormally handsome will do to you.  
(I just figured out I could type faster if I took all my rings off. Der be a lot o' dem.)  
One stiff hand rose of it's own accord and jabbed him in the eye. "OWWWW!" He shook his head absently. 'What the hell was THAT?'. He then regained the scraps of his sanity and faded out of Miyu's realm, into the world of those ugly wrinkled human things. He searched the surrounding landscape with his eyes, not finding Miyu, but still determined to die trying. He sought out the one point of reality he could pinpoint using only his Shinma senses (sorta like Spidaman, eh?), and teleported to the Tori gate, standing atop it to cup his hands around his mouth and scream Miyu's name for a few minutes, to see if that would help.  
  
Carlua twitched jerkily on the floor of the Outback, which seemed determined to hold her in place with it's layers of copious black bile left to ferment over the years. Later it would be scraped up and used to dip the famous Bloomin' Onions in, once one of the lettuce boys had been sacrificed to give the sauce it's distinctive color. It was a little known fact that steak houses rarely stayed open unless their dippings were flavored with a human soul. Which was completely beside the point. The point being Carlua's left breast, lying exposed to the cold air of Outback and slowly inching it's way down her ribcage in order to make sweet mammary love to the floor. She moaned in protest, whereas her breast obediently popped back into it's cup. Which just happened to be occupied by Spartoi's hand.   
"AUUUUGH! It BIT me!"  
Pazusu apathetically raised his head from under the table, where he had been resting it on the seat and trying to find solace in the set of endearing little eyes a wad of gum had sprouted. "What did?"  
"Carlua's....er, you know. Feminine thingies."  
"Her bra *bit* you?" Pazusu rolled his eyes into the back of his head and tried counting to ten.  
"Naw, stupid, not THAT, her breasties."  
Pazusu tried counting to 23,560.  
"Master?"  
Minutes of silence save for the muted mutterings of a number somewhere in the nineties.  
"Master?" Sparoi's cowlick drooped. "MAAAAAAAAAAASSS-TTUUUUUURRRRRRRR!"  
One of the cooks stomped out of the kitchen with a meat cleaver clutched in his fist.  
"MASSSSSSSSTUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"  
"AAAAAAUUUUUGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" With a cry of incredible frustration, both work-related and sexual, Master let fly his meat cleaver fly, catching Amy on the back of the head. Amy died soon after from blood loss.   
"Oops. Tee hee." Master had the voice of a five-year old girl, which was slightly odd to say the least.  
Fifteen minutes passed in relative silence.  
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"  
Pazusu jerked awake, his eyes going to the horror-stricken look on Spartoi's face. "What the hell is it?!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY-MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
Pazusu glanced over, uninterested by the growing pool of blood around Amy's head as he lay face-first in his own mucus, as he had earlier gotten the brilliant idea of pushing the cleaver from the inside out, using his finger and a nostril. He had yet to reach deep enough.  
Pantyhose   
  
I don't know why the word 'pantyhose' is lurking at the bottom of this thing. I seriously don't remember writing this....well, it IS chapter thirteen, after all. It's entirely plausible it DID grow on it's own....  
Or I'm just retarded. Brutally retarded 


	14. p

"Mmmmmmmmuh? Master?" Carlua put a hand to her forehead blearily, slightly hampered by both Spartoi's and Lemunia's hands, each wrapped around either breast. "Where are we?"  
"A pi ba pi ba, a pi ba pi ba pi ba yo, yum yam yum yam choco baka yo" Spartoi sang at Carlua, using her bra cup. Suddenly there was a wet pop, and a stream of water launched itself toward Spartoi's eye.   
His eyes (unwisely) widened, and with a cry of "HIT THE DECK!" he launched himself at, inexplicably, the body of the small woman wearing the blue business suit behind them. She obediently hit the deck.  
Pazusu rubbed the bridge of his nose. Visibly composing himself, he stood, stepping around a sobbing Carlua, who was mourning her Lily of France (tm) brand Waterbra (r), and walked sedately to the kitchen.  
  
The door swung open to reveal several large vats of boiling lard, a stack of magazines, and several very bare social workers. Pazusu stood in the doorway a moment more, wondering when the world had decided to go mad. He shook his head, stepping the rest of the way in and letting the door swing shut behind him. "I need a favor of one of you..."  
A translucently pale women with rippling folds, bearing a name tag with 'Judy' written on it, clipped to an unmentionable place, stepped up eagerly, thrusting a ham-like fist genially in his face. "What'cha need, suga-bunch?"  
Master stared malevolently out from behind a stack of CosmoGirls. The magazine, not actual females. He had recently developed an unwavering hatred of the Westerner's table, which was unfair to say the least since he hadn't even had to prepare their food yet. He still had the mandatory forty-five minute lag required after each order was taken, created by the managers in the hopes that gnawing hunger would cause a delirium, which would make the customers think they were getting good service and leave a big tip.   
Masters inexplicable hatred was due to the fact that, outside of being obscenely, glaringly, and brutally retarded as a collective group, table 24 was considerably more good-looking than him. The bare social workers had noticed this also, causing Master the Lettuce Boy, or as he liked to be called, Masta the Leafy-Fold Separator, to lose his place as A-1 Pimp of the Ladies, as far as Outback was concerned. The only reason someone hadn't come yet to force unwanted coffee into half-full and lukewarm cups was that the ripplingly bare social workers were still drawing straws to see who got to go perform the act. The straws kept getting lost in beefy fists, so the group had resorted to several rounds of rock-paper-scissors, but due to lack of fingers, it was slow going.   
Pazusu eyed Judy's outstretched hand, and took it gingerly. "I need-AUUGhh!" A strangled wail of pain made Pazusu pause, as Judy's attempt to utilize her original training of 'Firm handshake, look them in the eye, smile like you've got tapeworm eggs on your teeth', had crushed his hand. He ground his teeth against the pain. Judy ground her teeth as her training had instructed her to. 'This is going to be harder than I thought.....shit' 


	15. The beginning of the e

Spartoi was back at the table, staring horrified at Amy's corpse. "Damn you, Miyu. DAMN you! I hope you DIE!" Suddenly, fifteen cells in Spartoi's brain exploded. "MIYU! WE STALL HERE! MASSSTTERRR!!! We must go make her DIE!"  
Knight Gia cried because nobody loved him.  
Cait Sith raised an eyebrow at him from where he was munching his fish.  
  
Himiko dusted her hands purposefully on her naked thighs, and strolled away from where Kei lay looking very disgruntled and stupid. She gathered her clothes as she left, since they were strewn in a line where she had ripped them off in the middle of chasing Kei. She stepped out onto the old house's porch. Her footsteps made loud echoing taps, as earlier that week Himiko had been testing the durability of her slut boots by jumping on nails, and the heads had become embedded in the soles of her shoes. The points themselves stabbed Himiko at every step, but she had failed thus far to notice.  
She began hopping across the wooden boards, giggling like the moron she was. "Tappa tappa tappa....hee hee! I feel like a porn star." She halted. "I mean tap star! Why did I say porn st-"  
"MMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"  
Himiko's eyes lit up. "Mew? A cat! I love pussies."  
  
Five miles away, Spartoi began giggling uncontrollably.  
  
"Here kitty! Here puss puss! Pussy! Here puss! COME HERE PUSSY!" Himiko ceased her caterwauling (huh huh, punny) and stamped her foot irritably, causing herself a jolt of pain, and some confusion as to what that jolt of pain was.   
Suddenly a black-robed figure shimmered into view, hovering a few feet above the ground and glaring murderously at Himiko. "What did you call me?"  
Himiko got a tear in her one good eye. "Oh m-m-m-my thighs!"  
Larva shook his head disgustedly. "I should kill you."  
"Kill me with *love*"  
Larva frowned at her. "No, not with love. I mean end your life."  
"End my life of being alone."  
"No!"  
"No more nights of basting my own chicken!"  
"No! No more- wait, WHAT?!" Larva ground his pointy teeth together in the purest frustration. "That is IT. I am going to rip your intestines out through the back of your nose."  
"You want to put your fingers inside me!"  
With a final roar, Larva lunged at Himiko, hands clawed.  
  
"Hee hee ah har har har har hrr hrr hrr guuuuhhhhhhhh HA HA HA HA *SNRRT* AHAHAHA HAR HAR HAR AHAW HAW HAW HAW. Huh." Spartoi stopped abruptly, wiping his eyes and sighing. He looked over at Cait Sith, who was eyeing Spartoi as he would a raving mad leper.   
"You.......all right?" Cait Sith asked. He moved to hide himself behind his fork. "Something funny?"  
"HELLS YEAH!" Spartoi slapped the table jovially, then picked up his fork and calmly began digging bites out of the Formica table.  
"Would you mind telling me wh-"  
"I DON'T KNOW, OK? I AM NOT........." Spartoi cut off, his gaze moving to stare at something over Cait Sith's left shoulder. Cait Sith twisted to see what it was. Knight Gia had one finger jammed in his eye in order to produce more tears, so people would feel sorry for him.  
Judith the obscenely bare woman came flopping over to their table with their food on a large platter and a steaming pitcher of coffee balanced on the tops of her breasts. She smiled at them around a large wad of peppermint gum and transferred the plates to the table. Knight Gia popped his finger out of his eye to poke something on one of the platters. "What's this gray stuff?"  
Judith peered over. "Those are the Fluffy Magical Treats."  
Knight Gia peered closely, then poked one. It stuck to his damp finger, so he stuck it into his mouth. He then spat emphatically on Cait Sith, who growled. "These are just dust balls! You probably picked them off some eighty year old woman!"   
Judith shuddered at that, muttering something involving balls and eighty year old women under her breath, and turned to the rest of the table. She squinched up one eye at Spartoi in what he took to be a sign of sexual attraction. "Howya shuga?"  
"Huh?"  
"Howya shuga?"  
"Huh?"  
"Howya shuga?"  
"Huh?"  
"Howya shuga?"  
"Huh?"  
Cait Sith grasped his fork with both hands and rammed it into his elbow. (Cool, huh?) He sighed in defeat. He slid below the table and snuck out between the social worker's legs, earning himself many sleepless nights of horror, and tiptoed out of the restaurant, everyone staring at him and wondering why he looked so suspicious. The Meaty Staff crawled off the table and followed him.  
  
Pazusu gasped loudly as yet another jolt of pain assaulted his hand. He rubbed it irritably and glared at Master. "I don't want to play Slapjack with you anymore." He supposed Master thought Pazusu wouldn't notice the large dagger clutched in his left fist. Pazusu pushed himself away from the table and stood. Master stood too. "I really must go. The last time I left them all alone together Carlua was born, and the Gods only know how they managed that." Pazusu extended his hand to Master. "May the burden of your plight lift to give you many large and willing women."  
"MASSSTTEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"  
Pazusu turned to glare at the door. "I guess I'll have to-OWWWWWW!" Pazusu whirled to see Master hiding his dagger again. "Stop that you FUCKING RETARD!" Pazusu's eyes widened. "Dear Lord....I'm becoming one of them...."  
"One of us.......one of us..." The quiet chant filled the room as the social workers rose from their various squatting positions and started to slowly creep towards Pazusu. "One of ussssss...."  
Pazusu backed out of the room, keeping his eyes on Master, who had pulled a ladle from somewhere and was caressing it with bad intentions.  
"MAAASSSSSSTERRRRRRRRRR!"  
"Bater! Master-bater!! Har har har!"  
Pazusu glided over to table 24. "Shut up Spartoi. What is it, Carlua?"  
"My eye hurts. Kiss it better?"  
"No, Carlua."  
"Well then make them stop." She pointed over to the table from her place on the floor.  
Pazusu looked over to see Knight Gia struggling passionately with the social worker. Or at least that's what it looked like they were doing.  
"AUGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
No one knew who made the cry, but immediately it was taken up by every single person in Outback.  
  
Ahar har har har! I'll post more soon enough. I've started on the road to the corn-clusion, though. At this rate it'll have to be more than one chapter. Oh well. Gimme more suggestions. I've tried to include them all so far. Don't worry, "Behold the Meaty Staff!" will be incorporated soon. And raspberry pudding's been done, but I'll shove some banana pudding in there, too. Fluffy magical treats are there, baby. And magical kiwi Jello? That gives me an idea......oh yeah. That'll bounce in next chapter (where Miyu gets resurrected, by the way) And the flaming tenderloins are coming! They get a special place of honor right in the middle of the final climactic battle (heh heh heh, I said climactic). I think that's it. Well kids, in two weeks I graduate high school, so once again I will write! It turns out the only time I can write is somewhere around two in the morning , hepped up on coffee and that sugar stuff, which is why these update thingies have been few and far between. But after June 1st.....oh how they will come......heh heh heh heh.......  
Wait that wasn't funny. Neither is ten dead babies in a trash can but that's never stopped email before  
Wait what the hell?  
SPOOKY IS SO FUCKING CUTE I LOVE HIM AEEEEEGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Go HERE for intense Spooky FUN!   
http://www.mailordercentral.com/slgstore/  
He's the last item. LOOKIT 'IM!!! LOOOK!! ARRGGG!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(aeg?) 


	16. Useless filler

I haven't been writing much lately. Um...sorry. This was supposed to be longer but I felt compelled to put something, anything, up. This is more of a filler. All comments will be incorporated next chapter, which has Miyu and Yui in it. And you can probably guess who the figure is at the end of the chapter. Don't worry. Flaming tenderloins will come.   
  
"AUUUGGHHHHH!!"  
"AIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Himiko tried to ward herself from the blow by waving her arms frantically above her head. One of her flailing arms caught Larva's hand just as he drew close enough to strike. With a small sharp snap, his fingernail popped off and went flying over Himiko's shoulder.  
"AUUUGH!!!!" Larva halted in mid-lunge and clutched his injured hand to his chest. "Owwww!!"  
Suddenly approximately 138 pounds of flying human flesh hit Larva in the midsection, carrying him to the ground with it.   
"I KISS IT BETTER!" Himiko, sitting astride Larva, tried to grab Larva's hand, which he kept pulling out of her grasp. "I KISS IT BETTER!!!"  
Larva tore his hand away and, using his good finger, poked Himiko sharply in the eye. She reeled back onto her knees over Larva. "AAAhhhhoowww hee hee hee hee heeeeee! Lookit I did!"  
Larva pushed Himiko disgustedly off himself. "*I* did it, you vacuous bitch."  
Himiko inhaled sharply, then sat, her head slightly off to one side, staring at Larva's cloak-hidden crotch. He frowned menacingly at her, and got wearily to his feet and began to wander back and forth, head down, searching for the lost nail. Himiko sat staring at a spot on the ground where Larva's cloak-hidden crotch used to be. Her hand began scratching her left breast idly.  
  
"AUUUGHHH!!!!!!"  
"Ranka screams like a little girl."  
Ranka sat up slowly, one hand to her head. "What a strange and disturbing dream. I wonder what the duhhhhhhh.................." She shook her head to clear it. "Oh right. That Himiko lady. Kept calling me Henry. How long have I been unconscious?"  
"Umm........" Raaweeaean consulted the clock on the wall, which had been stuck at three for days and days. (God I'm stupid) "Mmmmmm..........biiirrrrrrrrd."  
Ranka grimaced at what she guessed was supposed to be his head. She then grimaced at her own mental grammar and got up from where she had slumped against the wall after her brain had stopped functioning due to Himiko's detailed inquiries about Kei's physical anatomy and kinky preferences. "Raaweeaean, we have to find Miyu. However much I HATE THE BITCH, ahem, she's all that will keep those creeps to the west where they belong."  
"The west?"  
"Yes, the west."  
"The west?"  
"Yes....the west."  
Raaweeaean managed to pick his nose with the end of his own pointy nose. "And where they belong.....that's the west too, right?"  
"*YES*, it is."  
"Both at the same time?"  
Raaweeaean's eyes slowly turned plastic and round, and fell out of his head to go rolling across the floor. Ranka hiked up her skirts and stepped on one. She slipped and fell on her back, landing on the other eye and severely bending her spine. Getting laboriously to her feet required grabbing Raaweeaean's now-wooden tail and hauling herself to her feet. Raaweeaean himself stared doll-like from where he had been turned into a doll...stared without the aide of his eyes. Ranka strode primly out, heading southeast to where Yui and Nagi made their sordid home of love. Yui would know where Miyu was, and her condition, and maybe where a good strong cup of whisky was. Yui did have a fondness for the sauce.  
  
Pazusu stalked away from Outback as best he could, dragging Knight Gia as he was. Carlua walked petulantly beside him with her arms folded over her breast, trapping Lemunia's hands. Prying Gia off the social worker, or vice versa, had been no easy task, physically or mentally. Spartoi had been dashing off behind bushes at random intervals, to which Pazusu made no inquiry. He didn't want to know. He did not-  
"Master?"  
"What? What?!? WHAT?!???!" One of Pazuzu's eye's bulged threateningly.*  
Spartoi's crooked grin wavered uneasily. "Uh...Cait Sith's gone."  
Pazusu rolled his eyes. "Cait Sith's been gone for a good two hours."  
"Or a bad two hours. That social worker was rather tick-like in her persistence. Though I've not met many persistent ticks myself." Lemunia chortled haughtily. Carlua had thus far failed to acknowledge his new worldly air and succumb to his experienced sex skills. He sighed regretfully and stuffed his manacle back into his pocket. Carlua appeared to be busy inspecting the tip of one nail, while actually circumspectly checking out Lord Pazusu's ass for future sexual obsession potential.   
"Someone's farts smells like Fritos..." Spartoi grinned at his own expansive knowledge.  
Suddenly a figure stepped out from behind a tree and threw itself at Spartoi, dagger extended.   
High pitched giggling echoed through the forest.  
  
*I love Daria. Mr. DeMartino never gets old.  
  
The next chapter's gonna be a big ol' long one! Yeee-hawwwww! 


	17. God hates me

Spartoi finished screaming like a little girl and stepped to the left, the figure landing with a heavy yet feminine thud to skid fifteen feet to a halt. Spartoi eyed the figure's ass for a second, nodding to himself in approval and crossing his arms over his chest. A look of pained inward reflection made him dash off to the bushes again. Pazusu put a hand to his forehead in extreme mental anguish and addressed himself to the figure which was picking itself off the forest floor and dusting itself. It had light green, long, wavy hair, with strange red symbols painted impressively across it's face. Pazusu noted that she was fairly attractive and abandoned his idea of disemboweling her with carefully poignant words. "Hello there Miss. I couldn't help but notice you lunging at Spartoi with-"  
"Miss?!" The figure looked appalled. "Speak for yourself, dress-boy!"  
Pazusu had the grace to look embarrassed. "My apologies, my Lord. It's just that your-"  
"Lord?! I'm not a man!"  
A couple of seconds passed in pained silence. "................huh?" Pazusu offered.  
The figure smiled gently to itself. "I can understand your confusion. I am actually neither, or either I want to be."  
  
Back in Outback, Amy's ears perked up before realizing that their current occupant was just one of the many corpses littering the booths. They compliantly passed into the abyss as one of the social workers earned his week's pay by schlepping the body off to be dissected into the monthly shipment of steaks Outback made for Black Angus.  
  
Pazusu was shaking his head in wonder. "Why should this be unusual?" Images of Amy, Cait Sith, Lemunia, and practically every other male he had ever met at the Shinma courts danced unwanted through his mind. Raising his voice to a more normal tone, he addressed himself to the figure again, which was examining the point of his now-bent dagger. "Well sir, er, um, m-....uh. I'm not exactly sure how to address someone of your uh..unique-"  
"I see that mine is BIGGER THAN YOURS!" came from the bush which Spartoi had earlier dived into. The bush he was currently alone it.  
Carlua made a face. "Is he talking to his own-?"  
"AIIEE AIEE AIEE AIEE!!!!!" Carlua was saved from trying to come up with an acceptable yet humorous term by the unisexual being screeching like a five-year old and shuffling giggling into the bush hiding Spartoi. The leaves hid the figure for all of three seconds before he came shuffling out again, shrieking like a two year old, having lost three years upon seeing Spartoi in the throes of the bad spinach chard he had accidentally ingested from where it had been stuck in little wads under the formica tabletop he had eaten. The figure ran shrieking into a low branch, impaling itself in the head and, eventually, dying.  
"That was memorable...." Pazusu wasn't sure how true that statement was, as he was planning on later blocking the whole journey from his memory. He shook himself, reminding himself that the sooner they found Miyu and Larva, the sooner this would be over. "Very well. Let us make an inventory...."  
"My zit's stopped throbbing!" Lemunia piped cheerfully up. Carlua eyed the pimple distastefully, for a moment having a fleeting desire the take it in her teeth and worry it like a dog with a bone. The desire passed and Carlua promptly threw up on Lemunia. She wiped her mouth and grimaced. "What a horrible thought....."  
Lemunia glowered at her, taking his hands from her breasts to wipe off the vomit which she had somehow managed to project over her shoulder and hit him in the face with. He gathered it into his hands in a sad little puddle, eyeing it's green depths, then shrugged and placed it into his pocket. "I dunno, I thought it was a good thing."  
"ARGG! The chard! It PAINS ME! IT'S EATING MY INNARDS!"  
Pazusu sat down on the ground and cried like a five year old Welsh prostitute. 


End file.
